not me

@The_RedSheepdog

Just one more furry rebel.

Joined January 2009
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  1. Retweeted
    Jun 7

    I've decided to become an urban hermit. So if you see me out in the streets or at the supermarket or Starbucks, please don't talk to me.

    1 reply 1 retweet 13 likes
  2. Retweeted
    Jun 7

    In my experience, it's impossible to win a staring contest with yourself in a mirror. You will always blink first.

    1 retweet 4 likes
  3. Retweeted
    May 23

    When scientists say that dolphins are second only to humans in intelligence, remember it's only an average. Some people have fish brains. 🐟

    3 retweets 3 likes
  4. Retweeted
    May 26

    1. Where was he radicalized? 2. Why won't all White people condemn this? 3. When are we gonna ban White people from coming in?

    Man on commuter train yelling "anti-Muslim, anti-everything slurs" stabs 2 people to death, Portland police say.
    54 replies 2,337 retweets 3,086 likes
  5. Retweeted
    May 25

    My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream...

    11,599 replies 164,886 retweets 533,132 likes
  6. Retweeted
    May 22

    Everybody needs that friend who will be there to agree with you every time you make morbidly self-deprecatory remarks.

    1 retweet 7 likes
  7. Retweeted
    May 22

    Eating "responsibly" is a giant scam. You still end up eating the same amount of food only spread out over a crapload of years.

    1 reply 3 retweets 2 likes
  8. Retweeted
    May 18

    When you live with your parents vs when you live alone

    6 replies 484 retweets 278 likes
  9. Retweeted
    May 18

    Cats rule the home. That's why the word 'Homeowner' has the word 'meow' in it.

    4 replies 14 retweets 27 likes
  10. Retweeted
    May 18

    Doctor said only one glass of wine per day

    3 replies 44 retweets 69 likes
  11. Retweeted
    May 18

    My reaction when I read my tweets from 4 years ago

    4 replies 10 retweets 28 likes
  12. Retweeted
    May 20

    My therapist says I need to finish things I start if I want to be happy... so far I've finished a six pack and a pie. I feel happier already

    1 reply 56 retweets 166 likes
  13. Retweeted
    May 20

    I hate it when you give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she's no longer your friend.

    50 retweets 142 likes
  14. Retweeted
    May 20

    Yesterday, Jews were helping Palestinians on their farm fields; sat and ate together, then guess who comes along to harass & terrorize them?

    10 replies 240 retweets 140 likes
  15. Retweeted
    Apr 29
    Replying to

    . I have my grandmothers king James bible from 1960. .

    1 reply 2 retweets 3 likes
  16. Retweeted
    Apr 26

    Huh. Apparently viewers actually AREN'T interested in hearing sports announcers lecture about transgenderism and racial injustice. Weird.

    ESPN UPDATE: I have multiple sources at ESPN telling me they expect the number of layoffs to be closer to 100 people than 70. Awful news.
    45 replies 569 retweets 1,559 likes
  17. Retweeted
    Apr 20

    Not to provoke a war on 420 or anything, but maybe you should say happy holidays instead of happy 420. Not everyone's a 420ian.

    2 replies 1 retweet 7 likes
  18. Retweeted
    Apr 21

    I lost my job. Then at the supermarket I noticed my favorite cupcakes were half-price. When God closes a door he opens a window.

    2 replies 2 retweets 7 likes
  19. Retweeted
    Mar 1

    Random Benjamin Button references never get old

    1 reply 38 retweets 57 likes
  20. Retweeted
    Apr 4

    I love how many fun things from my youth are back: Transformers, Ninja Turtles, the real possibility of thermonuclear war, Ghostbusters...

    16 replies 612 retweets 918 likes

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