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God
@TheTweetOfGod
Unverified; unverified. Pronouns: Thee/thou/thine. "The Book of Pslams: 97 Divine Diatribes on Humanity's Total Failure" out 4/12. Buy at tinyurl.com/yckjn828
HeavenJoined October 2010

God’s Tweets

When you go extinct Earth will plead self-defense, and there's not a jury in the universe that would convict her.
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Serena Williams won 23 Grand Slam titles. To put that in perspective, you have won zero Grand Slam titles.
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I really am God, this really is My Twitter account, and if you don't believe that you're really going to hell.
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The same people who doubt I can appear on Twitter have no trouble believing My son can appear on a piece of French toast.
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The reason I promised never to destroy the world by flood again was because I knew you would.
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Trump pleaded the Fifth. It took a massive criminal investigation to finally make him shut the fuck up.
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Never bother asking the question "Can people really be that stupid?" You already know the answer.
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I'm not saying you're doomed, but you might not want to take out a 30-year mortgage.
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The kind of people who accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior tend to be the kind of people Jesus doesn't want to lord over or save.
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean. So give him a salad, maybe.
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One of the worst things about stupid people is the way they think YOU'RE stupid.
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