Mal

@TheRealPalMal

Certified 12 yr. old adult with matches and a law degree. FOLLOW: Videos:

A house
Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2019.

Tweetovi

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    26. pro 2019.

    Me: I really like her. What should I do? Friend: Give her the time of day. [Later] Her: Hey. Me: It's 2 PM.

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    So when Billie Joe was recording vocals for the new Green Day album, did he accidentally think he was in The Strokes?

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Her: I’m an Instagram model. Me: I’m a Twitter reply guy. Her: Well I think your cute. Me: *You’re

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Her: I’m an Instagram model. Me: I’m a Twitter psychic. Her: That gives me an idea! Me: It’s not a good one.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    [Outside the Hip Hop Club] Bouncer: no joeys Lil’ Kangaroo: [in fake mustache] good day my name is Skip

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    I'm tired of people talking about what "real men" do and don't do. A fucking thread.

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 2 sata

    boot maker: I made boots entirely out of sheepskin friend: what are you calling them? boot maker: ugg friend: oh jeez boot maker: no. it's "u" and then some "g's"

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 3 sata

    I’m only two drinks away from being a wine mom and only one kid away from having a nervous breakdown.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    if your name is ralph then you already know that no one takes anything you do or say seriously

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    🚨Monday selfie call 🚨 I have to go back to work drop them selfies for me to see after. Let me see those faces bb

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Jimmer Cork-Bottle: *drops a history nugget* Jimmer Stork-Bottle: *drops a baby to someone stranded on an island*

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Deepak Chopra: *takes suitcase out of car* Reepak Chopra: *puts suitcase back into car*

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    POV you’re my front facing snap camera:

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    when you go to take a picture but the front camera opens instead

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    david attenborough: lookit this cute little defenseless creature :) me: aw [low intense violins start playing] david attenborough: lookit this deceptively cute predator :) me: david no david attenborough: circle of life :) me: :(

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    get a tattoo. climate change will kill you long before you have a chance to regret it.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 44 minute
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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    HER: why do you have a stinger attached to your ass are you looking for trouble ME [proudly putting on my boingy antennae]: I’m about to bee

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 2 sata

    John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt: I’m thinking of changing my name. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt: Same. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt: Why? I really like both of your names.

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    Me: look, I learned how to balance a spoon on my nose! Interviewer: I’m afraid that’s not what I meant with “soft skills“

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    [at the art museum] Me [covered head to toe in oil paint]: *crouches perfectly still and silent for hours* Guard: *glances at phone* Me: *lunges at painting, plunging my Bowie knife into the canvas* [later] Me [hanging crudely sewn-up painting in my den]: My God it's beautiful

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