Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion Feb 3

    Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days https://trib.al/Q4g2Nsq pic.twitter.com/KZm1TQuMr2

    12:51 PM - 3 Feb 2018
    • 399 Retweets
    • 1,964 Likes
    • Jess Fazari laurne Darren Nicholls bridge Proud_lib_get_over_it E-MAN eat elon musk spoopy pinakbitch 「ノスフェラトゥ」
    18 replies 399 retweets 1,964 likes
      1. Chris Pirillo‏Verified account @ChrisPirillo Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        ...is it a whole buck fifty? Costco, here I come!

        0 replies 0 retweets 15 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Data Fromstartrek‏ @go_csftitans Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Everyone dreams they can be a security guard

        0 replies 1 retweet 4 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Phil Chordas‏ @PhilChordas Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        But that's paid every two weeks.

        0 replies 0 retweets 7 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1.  🎃 Michael Scream  🎃‏ @grnbrmdd12 Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Does it cover Costco?

        0 replies 0 retweets 6 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Mike Pence's Favorite Strapon  🍆‏ @TrumpcareKills Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Could have lasted a whole month if you ignored them bills!

        0 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Leoncio Estevez‏ @lwestevez Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        In the matter of the disappearing paycheck, the issuers used the same magic wand DonTheCon & the wizards of GOP used to craft their new tax legislation!

        0 replies 1 retweet 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. SteveMcG‏ @lawnys09 Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Dreams do come true 😉

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Thick Lizzy is too silly to be spoopy!‏ @ThickLizzy Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Hanukkah 2.0 my homies.

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. Kevin Brown‏ @kavilion Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Is the dateline for this article Amarillo for everyone or just me because I’m in Amarillo?

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      3. Jerry Brunson‏ @JerryBrunson Feb 3
        Replying to @kavilion @TheOnion

        No doubt The Onion meant to use Amarillo as a dateline. They love to pick out Bible Belt, hick towns for their parodies. Consider it a badge of honor.

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
      4. End of conversation
      1. James Lynch‏ @HeroJamesLynch Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Unfortunately, this person gets paid every two weeks.

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. @LatinPhilo‏ @LatinPhilo Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        $1.50 in Ryan Town

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Tony D‏ @biff725 Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I remember the day I over-spent mine too. The bar, the one night stands, the over-priced this and that until the day some chick walked up to me and said I'm paying from now on, your dick is the only payment I want. The rest is semi-history, lol

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Ken van horn‏ @Kenvanhorn2 Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        What the secret mine only lasts for a few hours

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Banana Republican 2.0  🌎‏ @tombuchanan271 Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        That is a miracle.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Scott‏ @scottk1350 Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        It lasts for 3.5 days a Whole Foods.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Jered‏ @J_e_r_e_d Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Mine always last 7 days but I only get paid twice per month.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Leigh Cook‏ @WhatLeigh Feb 3
        Replying to @TheOnion

        🙌🏻

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info