Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion 31 Oct 2017

    How To Talk To Your Child About Deathpic.twitter.com/S8A7c9MW9p

    How To Talk To Your Child About Death
    9:01 PM - 31 Oct 2017
    • 95 Retweets
    • 299 Likes
    • Space Monkey ᵐᵘᵈᵇᵒʸ Jesse CettaKennedy Mthig Martha Gooden Evan Sotelo it’s freaking bats Betty White
    15 replies 95 retweets 299 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Gilbert gang‏ @NlGHTLY 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I did the goldfish step, it became sentient and forced me to adress it as a nonbinary fluid, he has a gun

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      3. Gilbert gang‏ @NlGHTLY 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @NlGHTLY @TheOnion

        i dont know here it went

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      4. Gilbert gang‏ @NlGHTLY 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @NlGHTLY @TheOnion

        i hear steps on the attic

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      5. Gilbert gang‏ @NlGHTLY 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @NlGHTLY @TheOnion

        ok it committed suicide i guess you were right about the goldfish

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      6. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Spencer Hall‏ @spencerhalllaw 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I tried the goldfish step once. It wouldn’t die. Thing lived forever.

        1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. New conversation
      2. Jake Harvey‏ @jwestonharvey 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Goldfish live for decades if put in a proper sized tank.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      3. It's hip to B²‏ @MundaneMemer 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @jwestonharvey @TheOnion

        Yeah, I got one probably two(?) years back and it's still alive. I'm pretty shocked to be honest though I'm happy they're still alive.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      4. End of conversation
      1. Kiss America goodbye!‏ @FOInewsteam 1 Nov 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Any tips on how to explain how current president came to be?? 10 yr old self asking

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Horde56‏ @realHorde56 1 Nov 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        You should have waited and posted this on a day when no one died. I'm triggered.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Solus Ipse‏ @NickTScully 1 Nov 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        "the birds and the bees" should be very helpful in this case too

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. nursekimmie‏ @nursekimmie 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I thought it was real for a second...then the goldfish. too funny!!!!!

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Jeff Heesch‏ @HeeschJeff 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I aspire to one day have a mind as warped as the one who came up with this.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. null‏ @waitwherethe 31 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Hey, how do I get a script to respond 'wtf, is this real?' To every tweet you guys make?

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info