Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion 25 Oct 2017

    Tips For Overcoming A Panic Attackpic.twitter.com/kZNkSGfyd9

    4:47 PM - 25 Oct 2017
    • 170 Retweets
    • 482 Likes
    • katelyn :P Kyle Hale Bald General 🇦🇶 Emerson 🍸🦇 phil sabrina Andrea Lena Pierre-Simon Laplace
    21 replies 170 retweets 482 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Jacki‏ @Hartfelt_MD 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        This is incredibly distasteful and dangerous. This is NOT something to joke about,

        1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
      3. StillbornCandyCorn 🍞 🌹 🏴‏ @StillbrnUnicorn 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @Hartfelt_MD @TheOnion

        Oh Jacki, take a Xanax and drink a bottle of wine next time you wander on to the Onion’s Twitter feed...💆

        0 replies 0 retweets 11 likes
      4. End of conversation
      1. Don‏ @Bioguy099 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Would a soldier with PTSD, which can include panic attacks, find this funny?

        5 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Lacharga‏ @lacharga 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I had a panic attack this morning... this made me laugh, the first time today...

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Misanthropic Soup‏ @misanthrosoup 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Abuse all substances available to you with reckless abandon.

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Tomar's Green Cumulon Cache‏ @DanOfNoStand 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Jesus, I'd find this funny if it didn't cut marrow deep.

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Jorge Diaz‏ @jorgejd92 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I usually just take a couple dabs and then I’m good

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Bad Ass Mutha‏ @Bad_Ass_Mutha 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Smoke cannabis.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. name here‏ @breaddrink1 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Not seeing the humor here. It's clumsy/offensive and obvious. Cure for anorexia being cake, etc etc.. You are better than this, Onion.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. JD Braithwaite‏ @ihatejohndavid 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Douche post. Try for funny next time.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. ClickToAddName  👻‏ @ClickToAddName 26 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        >People not realizing the joke here is clearly that one should do the opposite

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Ms. Linda‏ @llcb1111 26 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        So true. I can't breathe at work.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Dan Loya‏ @DanLoya1 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Make sure to take your medication with plenty of black coffee & avoid the shooting range

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. HisCarlness‏ @HisRoyalCarlnes 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Yeah.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Rich‏ @satireandmore 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Go immediately to the nearest university and hide in its safe space or just to to the zoo and imitate an ostrich by sticking your head down

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Lisa Canelli‏ @canelli_lisa 25 Oct 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        This made me laugh 😆 Thank you, @TheOnion, for not taking everything so seriously.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info