Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion 11 Jul 2017

    Jim Beam Releases New Whiskey Specially Made For Knife, Gun Woundspic.twitter.com/xvIgOMcbvW

    10:52 AM - 11 Jul 2017
    • 1,101 Retweets
    • 2,213 Likes
    • Brian L Terry Mills Niek Zachariah St. John Glyn Taylor-Williams Joy Shepherd Don'TweetOnMe Laina Harbin Ashton Morgan
    44 replies 1,101 retweets 2,213 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Jessica Jones‏Verified account @JessicaJones 12 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Travesty.

        3 replies 3 retweets 57 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. New conversation
      2. Ani Quinn‏Verified account @quinnessential 11 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        You could have gotten a better flame for the wound cauterizing. That was a pretty big cut. Like a heated up kitchen knife. Just saying.

        3 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
      3. Tom Ribbons‏ @bathroomclown 11 Jul 2017
        Replying to @quinnessential @TheOnion

        Aww, someone missed the joke

        1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
      4. Ani Quinn‏Verified account @quinnessential 11 Jul 2017
        Replying to @bathroomclown @TheOnion

        The joke was the whole skit full of other jokes. Which I loved. Except for the match. They should've kept it literal to the very end.

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
      5. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Don'TweetOnMe‏ @dontweetonme 10 Aug 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Of course JB could sell that people need this medicinal Bourbon due to injuries caused by angry Jack drinkers... @TheOnion @dbullard23

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      3. David‏ @dbullard23 10 Aug 2017
        Replying to @dontweetonme @TheOnion

        I'm more of an @jamesonwhiskey guy myself...course I wouldn't waste it on a cut. That's what the JB is for! Lol

        2 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      4. Don'TweetOnMe‏ @dontweetonme 10 Aug 2017
        Replying to @dbullard23

        Once New England winter sets in though it's time for fires, friends and @The_Macallan The 10yr is good the 15 is Christmas @dbullard23

        2 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      5. David‏ @dbullard23 10 Aug 2017
        Replying to @dontweetonme @The_Macallan

        Ahh, love the 12 or 15, but the 18 is heaven! You're right, nothing beats a chill like a glass of scotch and a good cigar! #TwoCubesPlease

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
      6. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Evan Brennan‏ @ThePipsterdufus 12 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @newfoundwhisky ha!

        1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
      3. Gerard Murphy‏ @newfoundwhisky 13 Jul 2017
        Replying to @ThePipsterdufus @TheOnion

        Awesome. It could probably be used as anesthetic/sterilizer for more mundane things like pulling a tooth with a farrier's hoof nipper, too.

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      4. Evan Brennan‏ @ThePipsterdufus 13 Jul 2017
        Replying to @newfoundwhisky @TheOnion

        haha. Totally.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
      5. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. LuvinLex‏ @LuvinLex 19 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Actually it's no just "whiskey" it's "Bourbon" whiskey cause it's made in #Kentucky !! (All bourbon is whiskey, not all whiskey is bourbon)

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      3. Osborne Osbeorn‏ @VikingBearGod 19 Jul 2017
        Replying to @LuvinLex @TheOnion

        And those that claim to be making Bourbon, but are not making it in #Kentucky must use a lowercase b and sell it as bourbon. Not real 🥃.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      4. End of conversation
      1. Stove‏ @stcar23 11 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @B_WIL3 @TyDoyle11 this dudes face

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Some, but with beards‏ @JoeFilmJourno 11 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Someone fatally stabbed this man just for the ad - this is dedicated method acting, friends.

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Don'TweetOnMe‏ @dontweetonme 10 Aug 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Problem is I'd drink it prophylactically: "I need a double, just in case I...." @TheOnion @dbullard23

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Fraser Campbell‏ @FraserCampby 13 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion @StephenMerchant

        @kerrsturrock

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Chris Barnette™‏ @Skyline247 11 Jul 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion @BVilivusonline

        Bwahahaha! 😂😂😂

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info