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TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
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@TheOnion

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    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion 1 Apr 2017

    Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List http://trib.al/XWI5jLO pic.twitter.com/qfivvtT4e3

    7:43 PM - 1 Apr 2017
    • 626 Retweets
    • 1,722 Likes
    • Nicholas Caballero D I Reynolds Ellis Roberts Bella112 matt Daniel Flowers miss #NeverAgain J Brunck Monty Boa
    24 replies 626 retweets 1,722 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Spooky Cook‏ @jclifcook 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Two staplers?

        1 reply 0 retweets 4 likes
      3. ATG‏ @ATG_Iggles 2 Apr 2017
        Replying to @jclifcook @TheOnion

        One is for stapling parallel to the top of the page. The other is for stapling at a jaunty angle for a more informal feel.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      4. End of conversation
      1. Sufi‏ @SufiSoof 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Don't set aside a full week Jared! If you've absorbed 1/2 of Daddy-In-Laws' deal making prowess it'll take U 1/2 hr, maybe 1 tops!

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
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      1. Sufi‏ @SufiSoof 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        No need 2 sweat Middle East Jared.It's done! Daddy-In-Law Dearest told Bibi he'd be happy with whatever. 1state/2state? Who cares!

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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      1. Thomas Ian Russell‏‏ @ThomasIanRusse5 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I know what makes Gen. Mattis qualified to be Secretary of Defense.I don't know what qualifies Mr. Kushner 2 solve the 'Middle East Crisis'.

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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      1. Justin Case‏ @zhsarosh 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Looks like onion has started reporting real news

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. esckimo55‏ @Aygul_Charles 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Makes sense, he's had more pressing tasks like collecting bribe payments from Russia and China

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. Spooky Cook‏ @jclifcook 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        How did his reflection get in the window? That's creepy.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. Mary‏ @mlmcoughlan 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Okay, The Onion isn't funny anymore. Joking is over.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. mark folino‏ @markfolino1 4 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        #FAKEMANNEQUIN

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Dreamaker‏ @Dreamakerswork 2 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Outsource it to the Russians the'll take care of it. You'll be busy dodging an inquisition by congress. #dreamakerswork #LillysAngels

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Suzy Sandor‏ @SuzySandor 2 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I suppose the Middle-East can easily wait another week or even a century?!

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. bipolar_art‏ @Marciztwit 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Is this real? Gee, who ever thought this conflict could be solved on a Thursday, how about sometime in the next few years.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Kat Knitt‏ @KatKnitt 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Also on his to do list: "Take vengeance on people who prosecuted daddy."

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. (ReadBioFirst) George‏ @Unsportingiam 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Repeat,repeat,shame on you ,I need something new.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. New conversation
      2. Petey Isom‏ @PeteyIsom 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        realizing it was far more profitable to do anything else with his time he continued to plan additional projects until the

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      3. Petey Isom‏ @PeteyIsom 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @PeteyIsom @TheOnion

        the population size reached a reasonable number on its own. Realizing that he does not have to worry about that for ever he

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      4. Petey Isom‏ @PeteyIsom 1 Apr 2017
        Replying to @PeteyIsom @TheOnion

        stopped worrying.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
      5. End of conversation

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