Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion 9 Mar 2017

    Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation http://trib.al/i53CcSL pic.twitter.com/GebII5dWJT

    8:58 PM - 9 Mar 2017
    • 741 Retweets
    • 2,152 Likes
    • Trevor Hyman grendl Jeppe Steve Kuzj Baby Moppy Goo Queen Slime Queen Lee Veronica Baker
    24 replies 741 retweets 2,152 likes
      1. Cody Johnson‏ @solidorange91 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @sflorogers @hellokaity21

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Brian T. Carswell‏ @realBrianCars 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @caton_quincey

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Nick H‏ @GreatSwordNH 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        dad?

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Josh Powers‏ @powersj_tx 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        you guys know comedy is rooted in truth right?

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Lynne Alan‏ @BohoGirl67 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I sat next to two old men in a cafe the other day who were literally saying this exact same thing. Scary times!

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. priestess of death‏ @TateTodea 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @timsanford_

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Marshall Bell‏ @TheMarshallBell 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        of course

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Jim Newman‏ @flint141592653 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Private citizens with guns prevent or stop much more crime than they cause. Concealed carry is a huge deterrant to violent crime.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. J. Rose‏ @smaze94357 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Guns come in handy if you want to rid yourself of a politically opiniated TV pundit by shooting TV after drinking a case of beer.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. (ReadBioFirst) George‏ @Unsportingiam 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Who needs a gun or an excuse to escalate a situation, I can do that very well without one thamk you.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Jay Paganini‏ @paganini_j 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Here's a life sentence waiting to happen...

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Commander John Koenig‏ @RoyEKTruax 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        🤣...

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1.  😐 neal madore  😐‏ @nealmadore 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        head to congress. Let's figure out this Russian thing!

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Leesa‏ @lshapiro30 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        What is an asswipe.Same 4 tweeties on twitter that only tweet with there attorney.to cover there crimes

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. Swimjunkie‏ @velosterapter 9 Mar 2017
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I only "escalate" if someone breaks into my home at night. But since that hasn't happened, I have never escalated.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      3. Tweet unavailable
      4. Swimjunkie‏ @velosterapter 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @CaraNicAine @TheOnion

        But one doesn't have to get as close with a 9mm pistol. 124gr JHP travels faster than a bat too 😃

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      5. Tweet unavailable
      6. Swimjunkie‏ @velosterapter 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @CaraNicAine @TheOnion

        Many lives are saved every year with lawfully owned guns. And more often than not, without firing a shot.

        2 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
      7. Tweet unavailable
      8. Swimjunkie‏ @velosterapter 10 Mar 2017
        Replying to @CaraNicAine @TheOnion

        Let a thousand die to save 1 child. That is the core belief of anti-gun crowd.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      9. 5 more replies

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info