Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion 2 May 2016

    God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers http://onion.com/1SV9YxT pic.twitter.com/GRN6gAR2Yu

    11:25 AM - 2 May 2016
    • 359 Retweets
    • 856 Likes
    • Crystal Sxx Aimee Max Bernstein John T Meadows Morg Will Babbitt Ann Suki Mikaku Barney
    17 replies 359 retweets 856 likes
      1. Möbius Twerk‏ @RippedToTheTits 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion Based on how things have gone since monotheism became fashionable, this item was initially reported on papyrus.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Kenton McCarthy‏ @colonelguano 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion Awesome. We await your mocking Allah.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Alice “Frenchi” Rabbit‏ @Interwebitubes 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion Spoken like a true meth addict.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Morg‏ @MorganDarts 3 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion I HAVE IT

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Fat in Public‏ @garlicmeg 3 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion Hopefully he has his trusty map and backpack and sidekick Boots to help him find them!

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. oma carolina‏ @kanootey 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion I wonder who sewed that robe for God

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Hozier’s #1 Fan‏ @ryan_p_higgins 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion @superneenan

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Шакола Чеслав‏ @shakolacheslav1 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion @GibsonWrites http://ok.ru/cheslav.shakola/statuses …pic.twitter.com/8DjusbUb91

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Danny Smith‏ @Dope_Danny 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion "Bath salts were a mistake" ~ on the origins of the Binterong.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Dave‏ @dave26684 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion Wow I wonder if Bilbo found them?

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Sorella Poverella‏ @holyholyholy5 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion That's dope! Now we have to save the world, oy vey!

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. GruntDoc‏ @gruntdoc 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion @movinmeat I think I found your Baggie owner.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. 𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖓𝖙 𝖁𝖊𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖆𝖓‏ @Sgt_Martin13 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion He didn't lose the pouch, I stole it. So much for Omniscience

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Jeff Rollings‏ @jeffphishsox 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion: greatness!!

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Juan‏ @JuanPelo23 2 May 2016
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @TheOnion Explains a lot

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info