@TheOnion Go on a diet! Quit smoking! Have more sex 
-
-
Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
-
-
-
@TheOnion the only loyalty that they have is to agency staff and that kinda sucks cause you don't get any benefits..Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
-
-
-
Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
-
-
-
@TheOnion Winter Sunlight Lowers Blood Pressure http://ow.ly/FQ6a6 Healthier + Safer Sun Time by SunFriendThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
-
-
-
@TheOnion funny..sortaThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
-
-
-
@TheOnion the hypocritic oath: i swear to cause harm when CIA pays me for it and provide pain killers for pill popper soccer momsThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
-
Loading seems to be taking a while.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.