Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion Aug 9

    Report: More Americans Putting Off Retirement Until Final Few Moments Before Death https://trib.al/t7DWhvs pic.twitter.com/xJ4055Ph7S

    4:40 PM - 9 Aug 2018
    • 661 Retweets
    • 2,950 Likes
    • Gregor ChristopherSteele valerie niosi The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Aldo Alcala Kelly RIPTA stephenthut Megan 🤙🏼 nathan hedger
    35 replies 661 retweets 2,950 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Matt‏ @YetiMatt Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Personally I'd like someone to catapult my rotting corpse into my employer's corporate headquarters after it has sat out decomposing in the hot sun for a bit. That would be the best retirement gift ever.

        1 reply 2 retweets 16 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. Colin Chin‏ @ColinChin51 Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        'Wait, wait... I'm not dead yet, I can still see that last spreadsheet!'

        0 replies 1 retweet 15 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Erica‏ @foistedallegory Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        and are finding that late retirement is the leading cause of early death.

        0 replies 1 retweet 7 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Bob Mayfield #grumpyoldman‏ @bob_mayfield Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Would be funny if it weren’t true

        0 replies 0 retweets 18 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. Theresa May's human body part stockpile‏ @volcelpolice Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        of course they are, because they're true patriots who understand that the meaning of life is to create value for their employers and then die quickly.

        1 reply 0 retweets 40 likes
      3. Prince Techno‏ @Geek_Prince Aug 9
        Replying to @volcelpolice @TheOnion

        It's the American way!!! Work hard, spend quickly and die even faster! Don't forget to pass on that debt, keep your employers fed please.

        1 reply 1 retweet 10 likes
      4. Snarky Cyclist‏ @SnarkyCyclistAB Aug 9
        Replying to @Geek_Prince @volcelpolice @TheOnion

        Temporarily embarrassed millionaires.

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      5. Boyd Williams‏ @PatchingBirder Aug 10
        Replying to @SnarkyCyclistAB @Geek_Prince and

        You guys act like having a job is a bad thing. Those dastardly people who employee people who need a job! They're clearly jerks. They should be nice guys and fire them.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      6. Prince Techno‏ @Geek_Prince Aug 10
        Replying to @PatchingBirder @SnarkyCyclistAB and

        That's not what I'm saying at all. There are employers that actually work with their employees and care and then there are mega Corp employers that only see their employees as cogs and demand hard grueling work for a pat on the back like a dog and in conjunction with the Gov.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      7. Prince Techno‏ @Geek_Prince Aug 10
        Replying to @Geek_Prince @PatchingBirder and

        Force a life ideology of "Working hard pays off" when we know that isn't true. The rich members of my family got there from higher education and good investments in stock. Has nothing to do with working hard but being smart and money aware.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      8. Snarky Cyclist‏ @SnarkyCyclistAB Aug 10
        Replying to @Geek_Prince @PatchingBirder and

        Half of the fortune 500 inherited their wealth. And they depended on massive state support, such as tariffs, other governments around the world suppressing labour rights, intellectual property law creating legal rights out of thin air, cheap transportation, etc.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      9. Snarky Cyclist‏ @SnarkyCyclistAB Aug 10
        Replying to @SnarkyCyclistAB @Geek_Prince and

        If riches came about as a result of hard work, then we should see people like jackhammer operators paid huge sums of money. The richest among us get wealth by having connections to other wealthy people & being able to promise to supporters riches in turn in return for loyalty

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      10. 3 more replies
      1. Shane Champagne‏ @SeaSalt1984 Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        When did you guys start reporting actual news?

        0 replies 0 retweets 7 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. will‏ @wilwin94 Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I recently crunched the numbers. I'm 42 now My wife figures I can retire 3-4 years after I've died, but no sooner.

        1 reply 0 retweets 4 likes
      3. will‏ @wilwin94 Aug 9
        Replying to @wilwin94 @TheOnion

        upon further math I have to be killed instantly with no hospital or ambulance and definitely not in an at fault accident... otherwise, have to put off retirement for another 7 years.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      4. End of conversation
      1. Jr‏ @JeromeDoehne Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion @DrWutt

        Look at most of our leadership 60% should be in a home so they won’t hurt anybody or themselves.

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Tom Moore‏ @tommoore2004 Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Sounds like a plan!

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Mike Bullard‏ @dabull1014 Aug 9
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Hey, you predicted my future!

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info