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TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
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@TheOnion

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The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

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    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion Aug 1

    Investigation Of What Fell Off Nightstand Postponed Until Morning https://trib.al/XXKQkHc pic.twitter.com/BfK1VqXqJr

    9:01 PM - 1 Aug 2018
    • 994 Retweets
    • 6,123 Likes
    • Stephanie Amundsen jacob james 🎃 Jake-o'-lantern 🎃 D.Anghel OJ Harrison5 🍩 🥀 💄 🔪camp crystal lake cadaver 🔪 Danny Spooky Cold Hearted Bitch™
    28 replies 994 retweets 6,123 likes
      1.  ⚡Doctor Ake-nstein ⚡‏ @killerkitt3hs Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        pic.twitter.com/Hdg8qkFn82

        0 replies 0 retweets 37 likes
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      1. Lauren Tucker Mead‏ @LaurenTMead Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        As long as there’s not a splash, I don’t care. The water only seems to spill when I’ve lazily set my laptop on the floor😣

        0 replies 1 retweet 9 likes
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      1. Tony D‏ @biff725 Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I usually just think the Cat knocked off the box of Magnum Condoms again, but then the next afternoon I have to check that he didn't put a claw hole in one of them that could lead to a multi-million dollar paternity suit, lol

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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      1. Andrew Miller‏ @heyapm Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Definitely stepping on eyeglasses in the morning

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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      1. Laura Duhan-Kaplan‏ @OnSophiaStreet Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Whatever it was, I usually blame it on the cat.

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
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      1. Britton L. Roberts‏ @theBLRreview Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Not sure but it woke up the baby and my wife is pissed.

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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      1. Gata‏ @gatasucia Aug 2
        Replying to @TheOnion

        the only sound that will get me out of bed at night is my dog vomiting

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. Cher Mc‏ @20cherMc Aug 2
        Replying to @TheOnion

        You still have 48 hours to solve the case before it goes cold...

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Marybeth Horn‏ @MarybethHorn6 Aug 2
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Who hasn't done this! LOL

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. G Smitty‏ @Thebigguy360 Aug 2
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Oh, yeah, it was her husband...pic.twitter.com/p5QECpeoWz

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Joseph Geshel‏ @joegeshel Aug 2
        Replying to @TheOnion @MZHemingway

        I’ve been traveling out of the country so I missed this one. But I did find Muellers fingerprints on my nightstand too.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. destin loan‏ @destinloan Aug 2
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Omg. This just happened to me

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Alex Preiss‏ @AlexPreiss4 Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        ...and the morning never came. Sad.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Norman Young‏ @NormanGYoung Aug 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Why isn't The Onion funny anymore? You're getting beat by @TheBabylonBee...

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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