Skip to content
  • Home Home Home, current page.
  • Moments Moments Moments, current page.

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Language: English
    • Bahasa Indonesia
    • Bahasa Melayu
    • Català
    • Čeština
    • Dansk
    • Deutsch
    • English UK
    • Español
    • Filipino
    • Français
    • Hrvatski
    • Italiano
    • Magyar
    • Nederlands
    • Norsk
    • Polski
    • Português
    • Română
    • Slovenčina
    • Suomi
    • Svenska
    • Tiếng Việt
    • Türkçe
    • Ελληνικά
    • Български език
    • Русский
    • Српски
    • Українська мова
    • עִבְרִית
    • العربية
    • فارسی
    • मराठी
    • हिन्दी
    • বাংলা
    • ગુજરાતી
    • தமிழ்
    • ಕನ್ನಡ
    • ภาษาไทย
    • 한국어
    • 日本語
    • 简体中文
    • 繁體中文
  • Have an account? Log in
    Have an account?
    · Forgot password?

    New to Twitter?
    Sign up
TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
Verified account
@TheOnion

Tweets

The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

theonion.com
Joined March 2008

Tweets

  • © 2018 Twitter
  • About
  • Help Center
  • Terms
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies
  • Ads info
Dismiss
Previous
Next

Go to a person's profile

Saved searches

  • Remove
  • In this conversation
    Verified accountProtected Tweets @
Suggested users
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @
  • Verified accountProtected Tweets @

Promote this Tweet

Block

  • Tweet with a location

    You can add location information to your Tweets, such as your city or precise location, from the web and via third-party applications. You always have the option to delete your Tweet location history. Learn more

    Your lists

    Create a new list


    Under 100 characters, optional

    Privacy

    Copy link to Tweet

    Embed this Tweet

    Embed this Video

    Add this Tweet to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Add this video to your website by copying the code below. Learn more

    Hmm, there was a problem reaching the server.

    By embedding Twitter content in your website or app, you are agreeing to the Twitter Developer Agreement and Developer Policy.

    Preview

    Why you're seeing this ad

    Log in to Twitter

    · Forgot password?
    Don't have an account? Sign up »

    Sign up for Twitter

    Not on Twitter? Sign up, tune into the things you care about, and get updates as they happen.

    Sign up
    Have an account? Log in »

    Two-way (sending and receiving) short codes:

    Country Code For customers of
    United States 40404 (any)
    Canada 21212 (any)
    United Kingdom 86444 Vodafone, Orange, 3, O2
    Brazil 40404 Nextel, TIM
    Haiti 40404 Digicel, Voila
    Ireland 51210 Vodafone, O2
    India 53000 Bharti Airtel, Videocon, Reliance
    Indonesia 89887 AXIS, 3, Telkomsel, Indosat, XL Axiata
    Italy 4880804 Wind
    3424486444 Vodafone
    » See SMS short codes for other countries

    Confirmation

     

    Welcome home!

    This timeline is where you’ll spend most of your time, getting instant updates about what matters to you.

    Tweets not working for you?

    Hover over the profile pic and click the Following button to unfollow any account.

    Say a lot with a little

    When you see a Tweet you love, tap the heart — it lets the person who wrote it know you shared the love.

    Spread the word

    The fastest way to share someone else’s Tweet with your followers is with a Retweet. Tap the icon to send it instantly.

    Join the conversation

    Add your thoughts about any Tweet with a Reply. Find a topic you’re passionate about, and jump right in.

    Learn the latest

    Get instant insight into what people are talking about now.

    Get more of what you love

    Follow more accounts to get instant updates about topics you care about.

    Find what's happening

    See the latest conversations about any topic instantly.

    Never miss a Moment

    Catch up instantly on the best stories happening as they unfold.

    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion Jul 21

    Lifeguard Getting Pretty Fed Up With Out-Of-Breath Kid Always Hanging On Lane Line https://trib.al/5PEWNP7 pic.twitter.com/1UGgYw5b3T

    5:21 PM - 21 Jul 2018
    • 456 Retweets
    • 2,860 Likes
    • Sam 「Gdf4r」but spooky Chris R olivia stern Evan Cronshaw Cori Ferguson Evan wesley Matt Tudor
    12 replies 456 retweets 2,860 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Ben Williams‏ @BWilliams1901 Jul 21
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Or when you are in swimming relay race at school and teacher demands the weak kid be included in your team and go first despite the fact he is FUCKING SHIT. Cannot remember his name but still FUCKING HATE HIM. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

        3 replies 1 retweet 13 likes
      3. Vyax‏ @EmSocVyax Jul 21
        Replying to @BWilliams1901 @TheOnion

        Tfw an Onion article incites a different type of rage

        0 replies 0 retweets 33 likes
      4. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Joe C‏ @asufan23 Jul 21
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I can’t tell you how many times I’ve yelled. OFF THE LANE LINES!

        1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
      3. OneAngryMotherfucker‏ @MaxComas Jul 21
        Replying to @asufan23 @TheOnion

        WHY EVEN HAVE THEM THERE, ITS A BIG ASS POOL AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE GETTING FROM ONE SIDE TO THE NEXT IN ONE GO

        2 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
      4. Joe C‏ @asufan23 Jul 21
        Replying to @MaxComas @TheOnion

        To keep people who swim laps from crashing into each other. I’m guessing you’ve never swam competitively? They are necessary.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      5. OneAngryMotherfucker‏ @MaxComas Jul 21
        Replying to @asufan23 @TheOnion

        No, I have. Numerous times. But when it's at a public pool, there almost useless. It's just that the life guards act as if you touch it, it will disintegrate into a million pieces.

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      6. Joe C‏ @asufan23 Jul 21
        Replying to @MaxComas @TheOnion

        One person hanging on them one time won’t. But over time they break pieces off, and stretch it out.

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      7. OneAngryMotherfucker‏ @MaxComas Jul 21
        Replying to @asufan23 @TheOnion

        Then (and this isn't an attack on you) make them better. More solid, like a net.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      8. Jyurina Winokur‏ @JyurinaW Jul 22
        Replying to @MaxComas @asufan23 @TheOnion

        I remember when the swim team tore down a lane line and we has to fix it

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      9. OneAngryMotherfucker‏ @MaxComas Jul 22
        Replying to @JyurinaW @asufan23 @TheOnion

        See? So it's not the general public that's the threat, it's the swimmers

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
      10. End of conversation
      1. James Oswald  🦇‏ @azmyth2 Jul 21
        Replying to @TheOnion

        It sure beats having to jump in and drag him out.

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Taylor Pajunen‏ @TaylorPajunen Jul 22
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @iowacityeels

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. abbø‏ @abbycanaletich Jul 21
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @PhiePhieBylina

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. cupcakke stan account‏ @sydneylaurenjpg Jul 21
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @meredithmnash

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      3. 1 more reply
      1. Will Philpot‏ @coachphilpot Jul 23
        Replying to @TheOnion

        It really irritates coaches as well! #getonwithit

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Paul‏ @pphillipsri Jul 22
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Total idiot, the life guard that is! The kid is trying.. he’s not sitting playing video games... if this guard is so awesome then he should help this youngster improve

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Grant LaChat‏ @GLaChatWx Jul 22
        Replying to @TheOnion @LongSwimmer1

        @maddy3191

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo

    Loading seems to be taking a while.

    Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

      Promoted Tweet

      false

      • © 2018 Twitter
      • About
      • Help Center
      • Terms
      • Privacy policy
      • Cookies
      • Ads info