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TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
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@TheOnion

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Joined March 2008

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    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion Jun 29

    Troubling Report Finds Dreamily Sliding Down Back Of Door After Kissing Date On Porch Plummets 78% https://trib.al/frvHvlD pic.twitter.com/IcLZVY9Opl

    2:52 PM - 29 Jun 2018
    • 431 Retweets
    • 3,134 Likes
    • Peter Aitch Russian Bot Ked Zie Kellan Brien kaitlyn_is_queen_red The Skeleton King Matt OJ Chuck Cox
    39 replies 431 retweets 3,134 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Winsome Pickett‏ @The_SergeMG Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        wasn't this story from about five years ago?

        1 reply 0 retweets 4 likes
      3.  💀gravegrapes 💀‏ @davegrapes Jun 29
        Replying to @The_SergeMG @TheOnion

        “teach a man to fish..”pic.twitter.com/BWJDhwBwVv

        2 replies 0 retweets 10 likes
      4. Jarom Moore‏ @jarommoore Jun 29
        Replying to @davegrapes @The_SergeMG @TheOnion

        You mean it's gone down another 78%?!?! That's like 92% since 2015... will we ever have love again?

        1 reply 0 retweets 16 likes
      5.  💀gravegrapes 💀‏ @davegrapes Jun 29
        Replying to @jarommoore @The_SergeMG @TheOnion

        IMO decline could be mitigated by having more girls kiss me 🤷🏻‍♂️

        1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
      6. Jarom Moore‏ @jarommoore Jun 29
        Replying to @davegrapes @The_SergeMG @TheOnion

        We need some good news, let's make it happen!

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
      7. End of conversation
      1. Jessica Thornsberry‏ @JessicaThornsb4 Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Coincidentally, dreamily sliding down back of door after having pizza delivered has skyrocketed.

        0 replies 0 retweets 19 likes
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      1. New conversation
      2. Rob‏ @leaningcowboy Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        It's because of increased knee osteoarthritis.

        1 reply 0 retweets 7 likes
      3. WyoPatriot73‏ @trich731 Jun 29
        Replying to @leaningcowboy @TheOnion

        I love WebMD. Surprised this wasn't cancer.

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
      4. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Anthony‏ @PirateCat Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @Hart4Film Millenials killing off yet another iconic industry

        2 replies 0 retweets 22 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. Muni‏ @muni_d1 Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion @AyyMistaCarter

        Millenials killed kissing.

        0 replies 0 retweets 10 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Alex Arment‏ @weirdflavororeo Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        I blame the housing market. No one can afford a house with a porch in this day and age.

        0 replies 0 retweets 6 likes
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      1. Letsgetit‏ @Letsget69749127 Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Its 2018 now they just sleep with them 😳💯

        0 replies 0 retweets 6 likes
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      1. SheOpines‏ @OpinesSrp Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        But blowjobs in the car, in front of the house are up by 30%.

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
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      1. New conversation
      2. Fred Fredburger‏ @KaBucchi Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Hard to know for sure as the door is always closed.

        1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. Soop Munkey‏ @soopmunkey Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        The same study finds 17% increase in sliding down the hood of car after hasty, unprotected sex in dance-club parking lot. Romance is NOT dead...

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
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      1. Mike‏ @liberalbastion Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        No word on the effectiveness of slapping ones own forehead and saying “stupid” after a first date faux pas.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. niceguyshawn‏ @niceguyshawn2 Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        My wife (to be) did that very thing after our first date, then immediately called her BFF in FL. This was 30 years ago, so I understand things may have changed.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. John Car‏ @jcarpro Jun 29
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Uh-oh, what about leg raises... are leg raises still a thing?

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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