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TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
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The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

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Joined March 2008

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    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion May 31

    The Onion Retweeted The Onion

    "This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending."https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1002277217718677506 …

    The Onion added,

    The OnionVerified account @TheOnion
    Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint https://trib.al/vgW8uGr  pic.twitter.com/Dneblbg2vC
    6:22 PM - 31 May 2018
    • 929 Retweets
    • 4,733 Likes
    • Bart Comstock Portland Deal Finder Sasha Ahmed FechezLaVache Paul Knox #MedicareForAll Riju Colon Dee Andres Katherine Zoellner
    33 replies 929 retweets 4,733 likes
      1. New conversation
      2.  🏳️‍🌈 *Hÿpātíå øf Âmëríčå*  🏳️‍🌈‏ @HypatiaAmerica May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        This is the big one! Why did I ever take a marijuana! 😂pic.twitter.com/cvabDolp8r

        1 reply 1 retweet 7 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. New conversation
      2. DJ Nimbus‏ @FreestyleWild May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        "Ahh reckon it's all downhill. I'll be selling horny gentlemen peeks at my ankles through my slip down at the haberdashery."

        1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
      3. Dave Lowe‏ @notthatdavelowe May 31
        Replying to @FreestyleWild @TheOnion

        pic.twitter.com/dM8q63Chtk

        0 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
      4. End of conversation
      1. Robert Granata‏ @rgranata6944 May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        "Stand back. Don't make me dunk this Oreo! I'll do it!"

        0 replies 0 retweets 7 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Stephen Donner‏ @stephendonner Jun 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        You left out the *reaches for bags of @Doritos and OMG this music is amazing* bit.

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Godric Griffindor‏ @bigbuffalo_bill May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Is that who's stuck on the pike street exit sign? Mother fucker I am livid

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. Sam Palasota‏ @SamPalasota May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Jeff immediately took him self to the hospital and put himself into the ICU, against medical advice

        0 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
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      1. tanyia‏ @tanyia May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Keep him away from the Keebler cookies

        0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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      1. ceedub16‏ @i2iwithme May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        😂

        0 replies 1 retweet 1 like
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      1.  ⚡️Outlaw  🐸 Pepe ⚡️‏ @OutlawPepe May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        😂

        0 replies 1 retweet 1 like
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      1. Tony D‏ @biff725 May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Hmmm who rolled that thing? it looks like a Zigzag from back in the Seventies. lol

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
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      1. Greg Gabrielse‏ @newtons_third May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Anyone have some chips while I wait? And some pizza.

        0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
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      1. Ahmed‏ @Nafarat100100 Jun 15
        Replying to @TheOnion @popsknox

        Oh sweet death take my soul... while I wait for death can someone order some pizza & put some good music on

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
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      1. Douglas Seaburg‏ @DouglasSeaburg Jun 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Hahahaha....@DaBoostR

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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        Undo
      1. Michael Feeney‏ @mfeen63 Jun 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @alex_hilzy1

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. mona berrier‏ @BerrierMona May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Jeff Sessions preparing to meet with the president

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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        Undo
      1.  🌊BlueWaveAftermath ☀️ 🌈‏ @Prof_Tweeper May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion @mujer_lg

        😂😂😂👏👏👏

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. dredre‏ @lastslicepizza May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Friends and family became concerned when they noticed he switched from fat free % milk all the way up to normal milk.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. New conversation
      2. Jay Peterson‏ @Jpete008 May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Ignominious. That’s a funny word. Ig nome anus. 🙂😁😄😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😅😋

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      3. call me tony  ♠️‏ @port430 Jun 1
        Replying to @Jpete008 @TheOnion

        So Jeff shared with you

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      4. Jay Peterson‏ @Jpete008 Jun 1
        Replying to @port430 @TheOnion

        Where were we?

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
      5. End of conversation

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