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TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
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The OnionVerified account

@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

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Joined March 2008

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    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion May 31

    Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint https://trib.al/vgW8uGr pic.twitter.com/Dneblbg2vC

    12:54 PM - 31 May 2018
    • 7,432 Retweets
    • 29,503 Likes
    • 20 Nate Days Nater NICK RAIGE 🅴 Jim Anderson Chris McKulka Jules overgrown emo kid Eric Wood Nille af Ekenstam ᎬᴄʟɪᴘᴛɪᴄDᴇᴍᴏɴ✴🎃
    237 replies 7,432 retweets 29,503 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Josh‏ @_joshuaforrest May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        pic.twitter.com/2hNtRSuguK

        6 replies 32 retweets 225 likes
      3. Josh‏ @_joshuaforrest May 31
        Replying to @_joshuaforrest @TheOnion

        You can order them here guys 🚬https://www.jeffsesh.com/ 

        1 reply 3 retweets 44 likes
      4. Pumpkin Spice Indictments‏ @theodora_brass Jun 9
        Replying to @_joshuaforrest @TheOnion

        I got some a while back. Too funny.

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      5. Josh‏ @_joshuaforrest Jun 9
        Replying to @theodora_brass @TheOnion

        Same here, everyone I show them to gets a kick out of it!

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      6. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Tgage‏ @tgagemurphy May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        When that doesn't work, Sessions tries suicide by cop but they keep offering to drive him home.

        1 reply 3 retweets 72 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. New conversation
      2. Jennifer J‏ @justlikehvn May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Reefer Madness!

        1 reply 0 retweets 15 likes
      3. Greggiejackson‏ @GregSmi36326240 May 31
        Replying to @justlikehvn @TheOnion

        He'll end up with a jazz habit too.

        1 reply 0 retweets 19 likes
      4. Atom Manhattan‏ @Atom_Manhattan May 31
        Replying to @GregSmi36326240 @justlikehvn @TheOnion

        And dancin' with colored folk!

        0 replies 0 retweets 9 likes
      5. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Amoroso the Cow King @Blizzcon2018‏ @LogarthSheppy May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Update: Jeff Sessions admitted to hospital after trying to smoke a "joint" filled with grass from a lawnmower in his garage. When asked, he just "figured that's where the Mexicans got it" mentioning what his landscapers, actually a pair of Puerto Rican Maria refugees, told him.

        1 reply 1 retweet 53 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. buttЯess‏ @cockspit May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        best one yet

        0 replies 1 retweet 41 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. Cryan Bolangelo‏ @drakesOtherSon May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Worked for me. I’ve been brain ded sense puff puff pass in 8th grade

        1 reply 0 retweets 30 likes
      3. End of conversation
      1. New conversation
      2. Bunny Killer‏ @BunnyKiller9 May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion @cgshort

        Tomorrow, heroin. Lol. If Jeff sessions were high, he might almost be tolerable. And it would be harmless fun to lock the refrigerator and pantry. 😋

        1 reply 1 retweet 5 likes
      3. cgshort‏ @cgshort May 31
        Replying to @BunnyKiller9 @TheOnion

        Lots of Keebler snax...

        1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
      4. Bunny Killer‏ @BunnyKiller9 May 31
        Replying to @cgshort @TheOnion

        No keebler snax for bad elves. Lol. Not even a potato chip.....well, maybe just one potato chip! 😋

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      5. End of conversation
      1. RoePipi‏ @RoePipi Jun 1
        Replying to @TheOnion

        "At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling." 😂

        0 replies 1 retweet 7 likes
        Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
        Undo
      1. New conversation
      2. Atom Manhattan‏ @Atom_Manhattan May 31
        Replying to @TheOnion @FrankConniff

        Next thing you know he'll be listenin to jazz music and dancin with colored folk...

        1 reply 1 retweet 21 likes
      3. 1 more reply

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