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TheOnion's profile
The Onion
The Onion
The Onion
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@TheOnion

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@TheOnion

America's Finest News Source.

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Joined March 2008

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    The Onion‏Verified account @TheOnion May 26

    Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin https://trib.al/Fjlm0yY pic.twitter.com/JSf9zlCMRk

    2:23 PM - 26 May 2018
    • 248 Retweets
    • 2,002 Likes
    • BlimboMemeMan Joe Solley 🎃 James Thompson 🎃 A,a Karen L ᏰᏒᏋᏗ ッ sophie becca☽ .
    14 replies 248 retweets 2,002 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Dillon‏ @Ddavis3clemson May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        “In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin” -John Mulaney

        2 replies 0 retweets 25 likes
      3. 1 more reply
      1. New conversation
      2. nihilistic misanthrope‏ @itsjustafacade May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        This is how it starts. The downward spiral. First, a birthday party. Then a date. A wedding. A funeral. Your court appearance. Once it takes a hold of you, it’s hard to let go. “One last cancellation.” They all say that. But the addiction has taken over. It’s all-consuming.

        1 reply 0 retweets 17 likes
      3. 2% low fat‏ @antwane_rue May 26
        Replying to @itsjustafacade @TheOnion

        How do I make it stop

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      4. nihilistic misanthrope‏ @itsjustafacade May 26
        Replying to @antwane_rue @TheOnion

        I wish I knew the answer. I suppose admitting that you have a problem is a start. All I can say is that I've come to terms with it and learned how to live with this crippling addiction. As long as you use it in a controlled manner, you'll be fine. I'll be here if you need help.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
      5. End of conversation
      1. V Kitchen, DJ Ⓥ‏ @VeganKitchen May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        #govegan and feel that hero rush 24/7.

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. Idil Sukan‏ @idilsukan May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        This is how I felt today @MrDavidReed

        0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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      1. New conversation
      2. Carter Solomon‏ @boywhocarts May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        @kadstitch is this us?

        1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
      3. 1 more reply
      1. Thom Culpeper‏ @ThomCulpeper May 27
        Replying to @TheOnion

        O' Yeh.! That fits.! Time for a war.! This time we will take NO prisoners.! Cloning for peace is now the only way forward to save the remnants of this poor globe.! If wimin think they have their notion of misogyny under their voice.! They are tragically wrong.!

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Tommy McPines‏ @TMcpines May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Next thing She'll be voting for two Dancing With The Stars Finalists then riding the horse

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. Rob Z Tobor‏ @Rob_Z_Tobor May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Feeling a Russian Heroine . . . . . . . . . . ?

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. boingboingbbeep‏ @boingboingbbeep May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Area hippy says" psst, hey you, ever try dabs, cough.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      1. New conversation
      2. Bristol Sorensen PhD‏ @drbphd8 May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        If she was my friend, she would never get another invite to anything, because fuck flaky people.

        1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
      3. Rob Record‏ @robrecord May 26
        Replying to @drbphd8 @TheOnion

        We don’t mind.

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
      4. End of conversation
      1. Amadita‏ @lildeath2milk May 26
        Replying to @TheOnion

        Guilty

        0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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