The Onion’s Tweets

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“My main criterion for anyone running for office is that they have appeared as a guest host on Jeopardy!” — Vinay Rahman (Electrical Engineer)

Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Dr. Oz

Former television host and current Trump-endorsed Republican candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is running against Democratic Lt. Gov. John Fetterman in Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senate race. The Onion asked Pennsy...

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Woman Not So Lactose Intolerant When Boyfriend Out Of Town bit.ly/3Tt03V5

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Worst Opening Lines You Can Send On Dating Apps

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Report: Majority Of Americans Would Support A New War If There Were Elephants Involved bit.ly/3dZ1oCD

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It’s already creepy enough you’re looking for love on the internet. Don’t make it worse by opening a conversation with the following lines.

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10 ‘Healthy’ Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

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Pube-Riddled Razor Laid To Rest Following Long Battle With Bikini Line bit.ly/3B1dXGH

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You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.

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Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine bit.ly/3AFNNYS

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy bit.ly/3R38EMl

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High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media bit.ly/3TGvqvw

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100% real clothes sourced directly from a natural commercial clothing manufacturer. Use promo code LABORDAY for 15% off. bit.ly/3qndUPz

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Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up bit.ly/3AYA3tx

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While it’s obvious to anyone with common sense that workers don’t deserve fair wages, The Onion asked Americans across the country to explain why the minimum wage should not be increased.

Americans Explain Why The Minimum Wage Should Not Be Raised

While it’s obvious to anyone with common sense that workers don’t deserve fair wages, The Onion asked Americans across the country to explain why the minimum wage should not be increased.

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Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks bit.ly/3wJ89z7

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Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs bit.ly/3AYTTou

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Late-Blooming Dad Just Now Getting Into Civil War History bit.ly/3AAPGG7

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Woman Tragically Succumbs To Natural Hair Color bit.ly/3cCRpTl

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Pennsylvania: Fetus-hunting season only open October through December.

Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female...

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Sitting Inside Cardboard Box The Safest 6-Year-Old Will Feel For Remainder Of Life bit.ly/3ADtDhP

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Mom Learns About New Vegetable bit.ly/3pZy15T

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“Excessive force is the only way to counter excessive civility.” — Abubakar Surangiwala (Software Engineer)

Americans Defend The Police’s Use Of Excessive Force

“We can’t have instances where police in the heat of the moment have to stop and second-guess whether it’s excessive to kick a guy who’s already unconscious.”

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Tire Salesman To Hit Them With A Little Razzle-Dazzle bit.ly/3wKk5ka

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National Weather Service: ‘Don’t Go Surfing Unless You Can Really Shred That Shit’ bit.ly/3cufkEB

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If your parent is older than 55, they are no longer capable of caring for themselves and must be sent to a nursing home.

Signs It’s Time To Put Your Parents In A Nursing Home

You know it’s time when they’re disrupting your daily routine not just once but twice a year.

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6 Startling Before And After Photos Of Meth Users

In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive...

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These leeches will bleed you of every penny for the rest of your life.

Signs You Will Never Actually Be Able To Retire

Even if you work hard and save all your life, nowadays, that still may not be enough to get you through the six months of freedom you’ll have until you die. Here are several signs you may never...

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Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night bit.ly/3PXA8BV

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Wedding Guest In Suspenders, Bow Tie Unafraid To Take Dance Floor bit.ly/3Q0Fz2Z

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Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out bit.ly/3R0pmw4

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Woman Pieces Together Timeline Of Boyfriend’s Past Relationships Like Detective Tracking Zodiac Killer bit.ly/3wEeJ9T

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“Hey, can you hold onto my guns for a second?”

Worst Things To Say To Someone With Road Rage

Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.

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Man Googling ‘Tender Lump On Neck’ About To Begin Exciting New Phase In Life bit.ly/3e5vgNU

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Stick it to your loved ones by blowing through their inheritance at The Onion store before you croak. Use promo code LABORDAY for 15% off. bit.ly/3hs4ttc

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Mary Peltola Defeats Sarah Palin To Become First Alaska Native Elected To Congress bit.ly/3edhaKh #WhatDoYouThink?

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Girlfriend Really Has Mind Of Its Own Today bit.ly/3PUD5TH

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Difficult-To-Follow Recipe Calls For Dish To Be Enjoyed With Friends bit.ly/3q94VRC

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