Not only that, but being born in 1985, awareness of the autism spectrum was minimal compared to today. It wasn't until 1998 that I was diagnosed. Before then, I got to see a litany of therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists, who all had their own pet theories.
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I lost track of the number of times I stood on a chair, noose tied, trying to will myself to just kick it out from under me. To this day I'm still unsure whether or not I made the right decision to keep going.
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I'm entirely dependent on my medication. Even slight reduction causes dramatic effects. I was nearly fired two weeks into working at Mojang when I flew off the handle due to being on a third of my usual medication, and not having the self-help skills to have found a doctor yet.
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I've lost track of the number of friends that I've lost over the years due to an inability to relate on a fundamental level, all thanks to having lost the genetic lottery.
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My history of Internet forum usage is riddled with temporary and permanent bans due to my learned assumption that anyone being remotely negative is an inherently bad actor and simply wants to re-victimize me once again.
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I tried enrolling in the Swedish mental health system to get treatment for autism, and the ADHD I've suspected I've had all my life. But I was self-medicating with liquor, and I was instead forwarded to addiction treatment. I have to be blood-tested biweekly for 3 months.
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I am intensely grateful that I finally found my forever-home at my current employer. They truly seem to understand my being on the autism spectrum and are willing to actually work with me rather than against me, helping me build up my weaknesses and playing to my strengths.
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Even then, it's not all sunshine and roses. Yesterday I flew into a rage-y rant after being overly tired and becoming overstimulated. Everyone is being deeply understanding about the whole thing, and that just makes me feel like even more like an objective piece of shit.
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I conclude by once again reiterating - I'm not entirely sure that I made the right decision in 2011 by continuing to stay alive. But at this point I keep going, because I at least have enough people in my life whom I care about, and a job that I love.
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