A Moogle  🏳️‍🌈 💻 🎮 🎶 🇸🇪

That's to say nothing of the borderline asexuality that it causes. I'm intensely grateful that I have a partner who understands, and who is okay with having an open relationship. It at least makes me happy that he's able to have his fun with others and still comes home to me.

My path through the game industry has been one of regular behavioral incidents and self-medication via liquor. The game industry, despite being packed with people on the autism spectrum, is generally not a friendly place to people who are on the spectrum.

When I was still in school, and even in university in my mid teens, my mom insisted that I focus on my studies, and kept me from having the social life and getting up to the usual childhood antics that would have helped me be well-socialized for when I entered the workforce.

I was a nightmare to work with. Probably still am, and everyone is just too polite. I thought I was god's gift to coders, when in reality I'm just an average coder at best. Constant run-ins with my line managers at previous jobs about my behavior.

I was fired from my first job at @EA, when after my fingers were worked to the bone from months upon months of endless crunch on Superman Returns, I finally had one too many angry run-ins with coworkers. My pleas that they had failed to accommodate my autism fell on deaf ears.

I at least lasted long enough to be laid off from my job at @Activision after they laid off 500 people upon the cancellation of the Hero business unit, including a third of the staff at @VvisionsStudio at the time. Thus began both the best and worst year of my life, 2011.

I lost track of the number of times I stood on a chair, noose tied, trying to will myself to just kick it out from under me. To this day I'm still unsure whether or not I made the right decision to keep going.

I'm entirely dependent on my medication. Even slight reduction causes dramatic effects. I was nearly fired two weeks into working at Mojang when I flew off the handle due to being on a third of my usual medication, and not having the self-help skills to have found a doctor yet.

I've lost track of the number of friends that I've lost over the years due to an inability to relate on a fundamental level, all thanks to having lost the genetic lottery.

My history of Internet forum usage is riddled with temporary and permanent bans due to my learned assumption that anyone being remotely negative is an inherently bad actor and simply wants to re-victimize me once again.

I tried enrolling in the Swedish mental health system to get treatment for autism, and the ADHD I've suspected I've had all my life. But I was self-medicating with liquor, and I was instead forwarded to addiction treatment. I have to be blood-tested biweekly for 3 months.

I am intensely grateful that I finally found my forever-home at my current employer. They truly seem to understand my being on the autism spectrum and are willing to actually work with me rather than against me, helping me build up my weaknesses and playing to my strengths.

Even then, it's not all sunshine and roses. Yesterday I flew into a rage-y rant after being overly tired and becoming overstimulated. Everyone is being deeply understanding about the whole thing, and that just makes me feel like even more like an objective piece of shit.

I conclude by once again reiterating - I'm not entirely sure that I made the right decision in 2011 by continuing to stay alive. But at this point I keep going, because I at least have enough people in my life whom I care about, and a job that I love.