I don't want to jinx it but...
I THINK I FIXED MY COMPUTER!!!
Huge huge huge thanks to @damai_snowfell and @DrewMiller_CTR, as well as @ArtOfZuhani, @logtar, and everyone else who helped/offered to help out, I WOULD NOT be tweeting from my laptop without y'all!!
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happy to help. It's what I do. I manage ~500 computers and servers in a med school.
It... it actually just started up all over again 
As soon as I did the clean reinstall on the Nvidia drivers, I crashed once again and I'm back in the loop. There's gotta be something funky with that download and my computer is my best bet!
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did you get the ones released today?
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Yes, that was the only option I could see. I'm guessing there's probably an option to get a previous set, but updating before today's is what caused the crash in the first place, so I'd have to go back two versions
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