Therapist: What’s a subtle way to let someone know they’ve crossed a social boundary? Client: You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bitch. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What are some fun activities you can do to relieve stress? Client: The universal drinking game. You take a shot whenever you’re not happy. Therapist: Hold on, let me buy some stock.
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Therapist: What was your test score? Client: An 85. Whoa, that’s like a B, right? I passed! Wow, is this what success feels like? This feels great! Therapist: That’s a depression test. You need to come with me.
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Therapist: I like to foster open communication with my clients and maintain the feeling that we’re equals in this office. Client: Sounds good. So how long will this treatment take? Therapist: I’ll ask the questions here.
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Therapist: You’re on a first date and the other person says they want to know what you do for a living. What do you say? Client: So there I am, surrounded by orphans clinging to me as the chemical fire rages all around us. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What do we say when someone hurts our feelings? Client: Nothing a ritual dismemberment can’t fix. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What do we say when someone says they want to be in a relationship with us? Client: Welcome to the feces festival. Therapist: I’m using that.
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Therapist: What do you say when your wife asks to talk about what you’re feeling? Client: You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: When you experience a severe anxiety episode, what’s the best thing you can say to yourself? Client, singing: Take me down to the trauma city where the grasses scream and we love self pity. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: Next time you experience self-esteem problems about your weight, what do you tell yourself? Female client: At least I make the rockin’ world go round. Therapist: *guitar riff*
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Therapist: What do we do when someone tells us they want to get to know us better? Client: Curiosity killed the cat, but I’ve got far darker plans for you. Therapist: No.
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Replying to @TheBrometheus
Curiosity killed the cat, but now I've got 8 lives left and I know something you don't.
0 replies 1 retweet 1 likeThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
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Replying to @TheBrometheus
OMG Hilarious In my dark days, I was asked about drinking. Drink till the demons go quiet. What happens when they start singing louder. Start charging for the show and you’ve got front row seats
that’ll be 50$0 replies 0 retweets 1 likeThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
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