Therapist: What do we say to our loved ones as they get to know us better? Client: You’re in the jungle, baby, you’re gonna die. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What do we say when someone makes us feel vulnerable? Client: “Go suck-start a chainsaw”. Therapist: No.
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Client: This is my therapy porcupine. He’s practice for when I get in a relationship. Therapist: But it’s impossible for you to get close to him without pain. Client: [sobbing] That’s my type.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we see this many red flags in a new partner? Client: Wear green so we accessorize together. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: And what do we say when we realize we have feelings for someone? Client: Come, o sweet meteor of death, and cleanse this wretched earth. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What should you do when someone insults you? Client: I congratulate them on being an excellent judge of character. Therapist: No.
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Couples therapist: What was your last fight about? Wife: He got drunk and called me fat. Therapist: Is that true? Husband: I guess it must be. After all, an elephant never forgets. Therapist, writing: Savage.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, FRANK, IT WAS CHERRY TOOTHPASTE
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