Therapist: What do we say to our loved ones as they get to know us better? Client: You’re in the jungle, baby, you’re gonna die. Therapist: No.
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Couples therapist: What was your last fight about? Wife: He got drunk and called me fat. Therapist: Is that true? Husband: I guess it must be. After all, an elephant never forgets. Therapist, writing: Savage.
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Therapist: What do we say when we’ve made an honest mistake? Client: Oh no, who started this mysterious gasoline fire Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What’s a subtle way to let someone know they’ve crossed a social boundary? Client: You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bitch. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What are some fun activities you can do to relieve stress? Client: The universal drinking game. You take a shot whenever you’re not happy. Therapist: Hold on, let me buy some stock.
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Therapist: What was your test score? Client: An 85. Whoa, that’s like a B, right? I passed! Wow, is this what success feels like? This feels great! Therapist: That’s a depression test. You need to come with me.
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Therapist: I like to foster open communication with my clients and maintain the feeling that we’re equals in this office. Client: Sounds good. So how long will this treatment take? Therapist: I’ll ask the questions here.
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Therapist: You’re on a first date and the other person says they want to know what you do for a living. What do you say? Client: So there I am, surrounded by orphans clinging to me as the chemical fire rages all around us. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What do we say when someone hurts our feelings? Client: Nothing a ritual dismemberment can’t fix. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: What do we say when someone says they want to be in a relationship with us? Client: Welcome to the feces festival. Therapist: I’m using that.
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Therapist: What do you say when your wife asks to talk about what you’re feeling? Client: You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: When you experience a severe anxiety episode, what’s the best thing you can say to yourself? Client, singing: Take me down to the trauma city where the grasses scream and we love self pity. Therapist: No.
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Therapist: Next time you experience self-esteem problems about your weight, what do you tell yourself? Female client: At least I make the rockin’ world go round. Therapist: *guitar riff*
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Therapist: What do we do when someone tells us they want to get to know us better? Client: Curiosity killed the cat, but I’ve got far darker plans for you. Therapist: No.
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End of conversation
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