I post often about my kids, especially my toddler son Rampage (age 2.5). It’d be easy to imagine it’s all sunshine and playing with no discipline. I’m a huge advocate for affectionate fatherhood. But raising your children without firm discipline is abuse, not love. Thread/
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My son knows he can ask me for anything. He can ask for any game, any food, any favor. He stretches the boundaries as hard as he can. Because I never say “No” without a reason. And I always explain the reason. Sometimes we bargain and delay his gratification. At 2, he can wait.
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But he knows that No means No and he never asks me twice. Ever. He knows that certain lines must never be crossed either against me or in my presence. We maintain total consistency so manipulation never works. Instead he tries to bargain by offering chores. At 2 years old.
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When he gets mad and decides to hit me, he raises his hand. Thinks about it. Looks at my face to judge what will happen to him. Thinks some more. Talks to me and says he’s angry. Asks for what he wants again. All with his hand raised. He fears consequences because he knows them.
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He got mad and tried to bite his baby sister’s fingers this weekend. I don’t ever hit my son but when I’m angry, it’s intense and I let him see the full expression of it. The resulting talk is stern and commanding, requires verbal response on his part, and allows no excuses.
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The rare time he angers me in such a way, he’s ashamed and supplicating. He comes to me for approval, apologizes to his sister, and tries to make it better. And then I welcome him back and show him he’s loved. Punishment doesn’t drag on so he feels excluded. We stay a family.
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One mistake people make when they buy a 3/4 wolf dog is they believe it will act like a dog. They punish it and then walk away or they keep throwing nasty glares and harsh words afterward. Wolves have re-acceptance rituals and if you don’t do them the wolf feels shut out.
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Kids are the same. If you’re punishing your child to assuage your anger and just vent it at them so they “feel sorry” and keep venting all day, they feel crushed and rejected. Brief discipline with an explanation and then re-acceptance rituals are huge to maintain trust.
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He’s two years old. He throws tantrums and hits and bites and screams and demands things be his way. But those behaviors are tapering off fast even before his third birthday. Careful training, explanation, and unfailing consistency are key in discipline.
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How many adults do you know who can delay gratification for 12 hours? Stop themselves in the middle of anger and talk it out? Respect a firm No without wiggling around it? My son at 2 is more mature than many modern adults. It’s all in the balance of love and discipline.
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Fathers, we are not raising children. We are raising adults who will turn 30 and vote and work in offices and eat in restaurants and marry and love and do business and have kids. Your child can either become a helpful ally or a miserable burden to others. Instill discipline.
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Love your children by disciplining them. Anything less is abuse and failure on your part and prepares them for a life of misery.
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