We went to Olive Garden yesterday. They sat us at a table in the middle and I became edgy and uncomfortable even tho the food and service were good.
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I realized halfway thru the meal why I was getting anxiety. Normally, I sit in a booth, facing the door, always facing the door.
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Here, I still sat facing the door, but there was no barricade behind me, nothing to prevent a man from coming up behind me.
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Because I don’t face the door so I can see who’s coming in. I face the door so I know where my way out is.
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Being in the middle of the restaurant was too much open space. Too many avenues of possible attack.
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This is what surviving rape does to you. It colors your normal, everyday things that you do, in ways you don’t even fully realize.
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I had a large man once stand in the doorway to my office. He was clearly not happy with me and came to have a conversation about it. I started to panic because he was (unintentionally?) blocking the only way out of the room.
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I can’t handle it when I’m standing in line at the checkout and a large man behind me in line stands a little too close. Freaks me out. If it’s a woman, no problem.
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Again, these are things I just do, subconsciously, never thinking about until I’m on my therapist’s couch relaying experiences like this.
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Again, being in an elevator with a large man freaks me out. It’s a small space with (temporarily) no escape. I wonder if I’ll always react this way. I suppose so.
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Replying to @sienesecath
As a treatment to overcome hypervigilance, agoraphobia, and reactivity to cues?
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