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Okay, that’s it. I quit stand-up comedy. Because I cannot come up with a better punchline than what stone-sober reality has just handed me. Today is the first day of mandatory customer mask use at my retail day job. There is a guy walking my store in a gas mask right now.
I’m not making this up. GAS MASK. Full-on ABC “Are You My Mummy?” GAS MASK. And drawn on his white t-shirt in Sharpie are, “Is this the world you want to live in?” and “Masks Today, Mandatory Vaccines Tomorrow!” And every part of this is an absolute GOAL.
First of all, I’d TOTALLY wear an ABC in public if I could! Though I think I’d be a little cleverer than this guy and ACTUALLY HOOK THE HOSE TO A FILTER instead of letting it dangle. I can hear every NCO in the WORLD screaming at this guy for that transgression alone.
But second, regarding what I call the Shirt Manifesto, can I get that in writing, please? A vaccine? Tested and approved by science? That EVERYONE has to take? Which would literally exterminate coronavirus so we don’t have to worry anymore?! By tomorrow?! SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!
I just wanna grab him and shake him, scream right into his lenses, “YES!! YES!! THAT IS ABSOLUTELY A GOOD WORLD TO WANT BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE ALL GET OUT OF THIS MESS!!” So, yep, I quit comedy now. The world is an Onion article and I can’t top that.
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