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“What is offside” is a more head-scratchin’ answer than Iverson in the 2001 playoffs.https://twitter.com/Jeopardy/status/1506458210160549895 …

Regrets are kinda like the Waze app. You can learn a new direction but there’s no point in punishing yourself in the process.https://twitter.com/AFCRichmond/status/1504475039889977351 …

This kit announcement marks an important milestone I never dreamed would happen: me using “kit” correctly in a sentence.https://twitter.com/Nike/status/1500864007800037382 …

Roses are red, Cosell loved toupees, I’m sorry this took 142 days!https://twitter.com/Common___Spence/status/1492622288759377922 …

Thanks for joining, y’all. Nothing warms my heart more than watchin’ this movie every year. Except for maybe eatin’ chicken tikka masala. Happy Holidays!

“No man is a failure who has friends.” This is when I get dustier than Pig-Pen wearin’ a duster in an old library.

They don’t make movie snow like they used to. That stuff is as thick as Steve Harvey’s mustache.

I have no idea what it is, but “Bert and Ernie” are just two names that go together better than Frosties and fries.

Oh boy I love this scene. Between Pottersville and Back to the Future 2, as a kid I assumed messin’ with the space time continuum would always result in an unnecessary amount of casinos.

If every guardian angel looked like Henry Travers, society would be a lot kinder to used car salesmen.

Martini is a great name for a bar manager. He’s basically the Usain Bolt of small business owners.

To be fair to little Petey, “frankincense” is one heckuva word to try and spell. Almost as tricky as “myrh.”

Can we just talk about Uncle Billy’s pet crow for a second? The man handles a bird better than the 1980’s Showtime Lakers.

We’re more than an hour into the movie and this is the first sign of Christmas. There’s less Christmas in this Christmas movie than Eyes Wide Shut.

Shaking Mr. Potter’s hand must be like doing mushrooms: it might be dark and slimy, but it seems to give you a whole new perspective on life.

Plastics must’ve been the original NFTs. And I have no idea how to make either.

Why do they throw rice at weddings? They should throw stuff that newlyweds actually need, like, decent cutlery. Or joint bank accounts.

Jimmy Stewart’s voice is what I imagine leather sounds like. Smooth, comforting, and works great in black and white.

I personally think the three most exciting sounds in the world are, snap, crackle, and pop.