Stefan MolyneuxVerified account

ABC would like to clarify that Candidate Trump was rushing to MarA Largo not meeting with Russians at Mar A Largo. We will issue our correction when we are convinced we have done enough damage as stupidly possible.

We seek to report the news before it happens so we can find out what really happened after it happens. Thank you, ABC

ABC news wishes to clarify that the man in question was not a man, but in fact a woman. However, we don’t want to assume gender so let’s just forget all of this.

ABC wishes to clarify that if our aunts had packages they would indeed be our uncles. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

IN ADDITION, ABC WISHES TO CLARIFY THAT CAP AMERICA IS NOT HYDRA, BUT IN FACT FOUGHT HYDRA. OUR BAD.

ABC reports the Atlanta Falcons have won the Super bowl and the owner of the Falcons is dancing on the sidelines.

ABC wishes to announce that James Comey has found Hillary Clinton not guilty of passing illegal emails before actually investigating or talking to Hillary Clinton about her emails.

ABC WISHES TO CLARIFY THAT THE VERSAILLE TREATY WASN'T A RESULT OF HITLER, BUT RATHER THE OTHER WAY AROUND

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated", Mark Twain could be heard screaming into the phone.