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  1. Retweeted

    (617): this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.

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  2. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    smoking a blunt with no pants

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  3. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    waiter: can i interest you in some tacos? me: thanks but i'm already interested in them

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  4. Retweeted
    31 Dec 2018

    How to smoke a cigarette

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  5. Retweeted

    cotton candy sky tonight

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  6. Retweeted
    15 hours ago

    silver jewelry is cuter than gold jewelry bc gold looks tacky no matter how expensive it is i rest my case

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  7. Retweeted
    17 hours ago
    Replying to

    now this is a movement i can get behind!

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  8. Retweeted
    11 hours ago

    Have they ever used “Ring of Fire” in a Preparation H commercial? If they haven’t, they should.

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  9. 11 hours ago

    Please let it be known that the only reason I'm taking the Christmas tree down already is because the cat keeps trying to eat it

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  10. Retweeted
    15 hours ago

    "WHY DO YOU NEED MY ATTENTION" I say to my cat who proceeds to lick my cheek and then aggressively shove her butthole in my face.

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  11. 14 hours ago

    I was 46 minutes late for work today and no one even noticed lol okay

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  12. Retweeted
    Jan 2

    cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55 me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha cop: sure whatever [later in traffic court] judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

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  13. Retweeted
    21 hours ago

    Some dude just told me my truck was, "Lit." Was this a threat? Am I supposed to kill him? Never mind. I'll kill him.

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  14. 18 hours ago

    If you want me to show up on time and be enthusiastic about it, you're gonna have to start paying me more than $2.83 an hour

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  15. Retweeted
    21 hours ago

    Oh for crying out loud, now he wants the $5 billion in "unmarked bills, and a chopper!"

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  16. 18 hours ago

    One day off was not enough. Especially since it's my only day off until school starts

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  17. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? me [typing this] Hang on

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  18. Retweeted
    23 hours ago

    Me walking into work late and stoned and late because I was getting stoned

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  19. 19 hours ago

    Also, I had a dream Cammy was doing cocaine

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  20. 19 hours ago

    In 2019 can we stop mutilating the innocent? No more circumcision. No more declawing cats. No more clipping dog's ears and tails. NO MORE MUTILATING THE INNOCENT

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