Name: Rock Jockson
Favorite movie: Groundhog Day
Favorite faux-holiday: Groundhog Day
Favorite rodent-themed period of time: Year of the rat
Pinned Tweet
Follow
B)
@SmoofBrain
Stupid disjointed thoughts from a stupid disjointed person
Joined October 2020
B)’s Tweets
I'm declaring anyone who drinks root beer when they eat taco bell an enemy of the state.
Anyone else like REALLY struggle to remember when kids learn certain things? Like I can meet a friends 13 year old kid and be like "hey little man, what did you learn in school today? Addition? The war of 1812? Homophones?" Because I've got no clue
Shitposting is over, we pisspost now.
We are really just meant to pretend, as a society, that the epidemic of reality TV shows based around talent competitions didn't happen? Do you know how many times I heard the American Idol sting as a child? Give financial compensation to the REAL heros.
1
Rice appeals to our natural instinct to eat hundreds of tiny slugs at once
1
1
I can't wait until humans are so knowledgeable about chemistry that we can just make anything taste like anything. Imagine going into a diner and ordering a burger and your flavor options are classic (beef), steak, carrot, fig Newton, or drywall
1
Why do all demons speak Latin? Like what if you summoned xtharzlor, tormentor of the damned and he pops up speaking exclusively in urban British slang?
1
Like it's on sight. If I see you come out of a comically small car or if your Boutonnière sprays me with seltzer I will NOT hesitate.
1
Show this thread
Never once met a person who enjoys clowns. At MOST it's indifference. Absolutely mental that we let those fucky bastards live their lives as though they aren't public enemy #1.
1
3
Show this thread
[BREAKING NEWS]
The rapper known as "Lil' snurpt" has been arrested. The cops retrieved him from his L.A. home last night under suspicion of lying about how "Lil" he is. An anonymous tip informed the authorities that snurpt is actually 6'1", prompting the arrest.
More at 11.
2
beans: pls God I'm sorry
God: For your gastrointestinal crimes, I hereby sentence you too be fried...
fried beans: oh no
God: ...twice
refried beans: uh oh
1
I hate when old people are like "I wish we could go back to the good old days" fuck off your generation is the reason we have tuna gelatin we have definitively progressed as a society.
1
Bout to go back to the guy who circumcised me to get a little off the top.
1
Hey Ya by OutKast but his baby DO mess around
2
Wake up babe, new world war just dropped.
1
"Gamer" red is just Firetruck red for adults.
1
Respectfully, Shit yourself
1
They straight up tried to slide the snorks under our noses like we wouldn't recognize smurfs if they were underwater
1
AND THEY STILL HAVENT FIGURED OUT THE FUCKING BIDET
Show this thread
Everyone likes to talk about the Charmin bears being obsessed with shitting, but the fact that they live in a modern home with a toilet implies a similar level of technological advancement as modern man. Thus they exist on a planet where bears won the evolutionary arms race.
1
Show this thread
You haven't seen REAL gaslighting before.
1
Abstract: The existence of Bed, Bath and Beyond implies the well ordering of the set including Bed, Bath and other sections of the house. In this paper, this ordering is defined and the maximum of the set is proven to be the utility closet under the stairs
The world would be a much better place if Todd was spelled Tood
"Someone slept in my bed!" Said papa bear. "Someone slept in my bed too!" Said mama bear, upset that papa bear won't replace her goddamn mattress because it's a "scam" and she can "just use his once he gets a new one" like the lazy bastard he is.
Bathrooms that place the toilet far away from the door scare me. How do you punch a potential home invader when you're tethered to your throne that far away?
Safety training quizzes:
When handling a sharp tool, such as a knife, how should you hold it?
A. Hold the tool firmly by it's handle, keeping it covered until use
B. Loosely hold it, as long as no one is around
C. Don't hold it at all
D. Stab yourself with it immediately
Braces are just teeth BDSM
Perhaps the most devious lick was the friends we made along the way...
1
Yo hot take: 28 is greater than 27. Don't even try to argue with me.
As he planted his shovel in the freshly packed dirt, the last of his humanity seeped from his pores. There was plenty of time to comprehend what he had done. Standing over the grave of his newly dead brother-in-law, Nick now knew EXACTLY what he would do for a Klondike bar.
Ah yes... water. Nature's Sprite. How quaint.
Bartholomew: "Michael, did you just stab that man with a wooden stake?"
Michael, noticeably deranged: "Uhhh he was a.... vampire. Yeah! He died by the wooden stake, only vampires do that, trust me."
Bartholomew: "...yeah that checks out okay only vampires die to stakes."
He was the Yin to her Yang, the Sun to her Moon, The Nerf to her Nothing.
Once the last baja blast is had the world will have baja'd
Soldier, over voice comms: "Cory is no longer in the house. I repeat: Cory is no longer in the house"
1
There is no stronger envy than that of you towards your past self who didn't have to deal with this sore from biting your fucking lip why won't it just heal already.
1
Military ad: "you aren't [STEREOTYPE] like all the rest of [GENERATION]. You're determined, strong, genius, invincible, literally a god. No, you killed god. There's no force in any realm that can stop you. You consume time and you havent feel pain since 1986. Join the military"
You know of evils that your ancestors could never conjure. God isn't just dead, he never even cared to begin with. You're undeniably alone in this cold space and your contributions will rot in the same dirt as your body. Introducing the 2022 ford traveler, with four wheel dri-
1
Between this slow-cooker and this instant-pot, I can now prepare meats at any rate.
The old gods are dead. There is only me and my meats.
1