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Apr 12, 2018

[being boiled alive in a witch's soup] witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

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was she also white? yes. was she a mean person? yep. but that is the vibe of the bar. i made the mistake of trying to be “funny” and now i can never go there

to clarify- my face is fine but it is one of those “i bet nothing terrible has ever happened to him” faces and i can understand disliking that amount of whiteness

one time on halloween i got kicked out of a bar because the bartender was wearing an obvious cow costume and i deadpan asked her "so what the fuck are you supposed to be?" part of me thinks she just hated my face. i got one of them faces.

"damn you must have dated a white girl long term" yup

me: so... should we be naughty and order the mozzarella sticks..? my date, a young prostitute who has somehow time travelled from 1830s paris: [discreetly coughing bloody phlegm into silk handkerchief before tucking it away] oui... zat sounds.. ow you say? amazingballs..?

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she attracts the best pop minds to her, platonically or otherwise. let her rebound with a mf that might cowrite some dope songs and then definitely inspire a fantastic break up ballad

people getting mad that taylor is dating matt healy like it wasn't inevitable at this point

first day working at pixar. there’s a big dial labeled “MOM ASS” on the wall. they told me it’s never allowed to go past 37. i asked what happens if i turn it to 100 and everyone got quiet

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sry but my mind is repeatedly blown every time i realize this chode is older than me

getting chat gbt to rewrite the top patrick bateman quotes as if yoda said them...

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damn mgk just dissed jack harlow over the jay-z and eminem renegade beat it’s boiling

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really loving the idea of a yoda/patrick bateman combo. someone call chat gbt and pitch it

jedi: then you will be susceptible to the dark side me: ok so i don't normally like using therapy speak irl but are none of you neurodivergent? it's either that or we got a whole bunch of sociopaths here. yoda: some videotapes to return i have

*first day at the jedi academy* jedi: you have to commit yourself to the light side me: omg love that. love. it. but like... what if we get a lil teensy bit sad sometimes? jedi: me: or like... most the time lol?

didn’t want it the first time i passed it but now i kind of do

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sam

@grillpill_

oh my god im a trad husband content account fuck

as i walk into the showroom, gilded in gold and strewn with silk, i'm shown to the best seat in the house, my usual spot. once i'm seated, i order. "2 bud lights please." everyone gasps. then smiles. then applauds. they are so impressed by how woke i am.

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cory

@coolmathgame_

trying to make small talk at work: this is my favorite printer coworker: yeah, this is the best printer me: co-worker: me: i’m gonna do it. tonight.

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pro tip for getting a girlfriend: dress well but not too well. that way she’ll see the potential, take you shopping to improve you, and then be less likely to leave because of the effort she’s already put forth

I once knew a guy who got more women to sleep with him than you could imagine, despite being average looking, on the short side and usually broke, so I asked him his secret. He said "I just am really nice, but not like in a way that I want anything in return."

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Liam Quigley

@_elkue

May 5

Pete Davidson just dropped off pizza from Spumoni Gardens for striking Writer’s Guild members in Greenpoint

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a loved one just politely asked me to take an autism test

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best band name i’ve ever thought of: king tiddy and the jellyfish

the most american phrase is “i don’t like this target because i don’t know where anything is”

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Microplastics Enjoyer

*weeping* dudes rock

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May 6

found a chair today

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told my husband i was concerned about the cleavage in this dress and this was his response

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having a billion dollars is the greenest red flag for me

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it’s called a “ post-brunch nap” and is necessary to combat the 4pm hangover

none of my shorts fucking fit me anymore, damn you

imagine owning someone as hard as eric just owned those 4 teenagers.

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Eric Metaxas

@ericmetaxas

May 4

Today on my run up through Central Park in Harlem I saw four teenagers smoking weed. As I passed them I shouted in a firm but friendly voice: "Smells like failure!" and kept going. I said it as an act of love, honestly. I hope that at some point one of them might think about it.

[making new friends] me: so do you have “haha” trauma or “oh no” trauma?

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fantastic work no notes

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May 5

what if i did a somersault right now? full rotation? what then? who could stop me? nobody that's who. that's why i love america.

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this makes it seem so much more ominous

very funny how ever since they prioritized blue checks, the top replies to any joke will be 3-5 guys not getting it. great feature honestly

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this is what im doing whenever im not posting

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