Swim Jeans 👖

The legends speak of a third Duran...

if you touch a baby carrot its mother won’t take it back

Mosquito taunting Pat Benatar: Hit me with your best swat

I kept putting money in the tip jar until the clerk saw me do it, and now I'm broke.

rookie: *beating the shit out of a pudding* chief: son, what the fuck are you doing? rookie: I heard the proof would be here

inventor, of the hovercraft: im looking for the patent office guy, on the street: first left down there then a hard right inventor: *pulls down goggles* oh fuck

[ the first flag ] me: behold. the symbol of my birthplace crowd: *confused* { slight breeze } crowd: holy god damned shit

My ex just got a second divorce which will give her more free time to spend on her favorite hobby of circling in the air over wounded and sick animals.

So many professional athletes get fat after retiring but joke’s on them tho I’m also fat but at least I still have good knees

ME: But let me show you my greatest achievement. Son! Come here a minute SON: Yes Dad? ME: Here he is! Son, bring me that photo of me and Optimus Prime

me: *opens a cupboard door, gets pelted my 23 falling BBQ tongs* you need to move these husband: move them yourself Dateline producer: we’ll need more cameras here

Me: Ok, I’ll say a word and you just say whatever comes to mind SEGA: Got it Me: Hedgeho- SEGA: Blue Me: Actually I think they’re mostly brown SEGA: Full o’ gold Me: What? They’re full of bones and organs and bloo- SEGA: Fast As 𝙇𝙄𝙂𝙃𝙏𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂

kindergarten teacher: and on that farm he had a pig. e-i-e-i-o. with an oink oink here and an oink oink there kid dr. dolittle: [covering mouth] aw snap he said that?

Bay leaves are the only ingredient that sound like you just got dumped

Nobody gives The Foo Fighters enough credit for their success. I haven't seen a Foo in the wild for years

me: you know the old eats shoots and leaves joke haha koala: yeah. thanks for dinner [pumps shotgun] but it’s time I was going

Sorry we were late my toddler was introducing herself to her shadow

ME: Long day? FRIEND: All days are the same length, you imbecile. ME (about to invent Daylight Savings Time just to be right about something): For now.

Sex with me might not be very good, but my Kool-Aid man impression just as I’m having an orgasm is impeccable...oh yeah.