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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
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my friend holding me back at the bar: dude please you always say weird stuff in fights me: no way man i'm gonna spank this motherfucker
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shen the bird Retweeted
dr seuss: it’s a cat in a hat me: oh my god that’s cute dr seuss: he’s 6’4. and it’s a weird hat me: what the hell man
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shen the bird Retweeted
love the vet. love to hear the staff keep saying “the patient” and it’s a lizard.
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i would open the doorhttps://twitter.com/davenewworld_2/status/1515284320184934403 …
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girl: aw what's your dog's name shaggy: scooby doo girl: what the hell
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shen the bird Retweeted
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
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girl: [stops making out] can we take this somewhere we can be alone me: [has 2 tickets to morbius] yeah
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boss: what is the problem coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus me: he peddles falsehoods
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wife: i think it's time you gave our son the talk me: ok [later] me: son [puts hand on shoulder] i ran over a sonic employee in 2017 and kept driving
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ideally i would be the skeletonhttps://twitter.com/shukran___/status/1505625725935755275 …
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coworker: how long is the new batman me: i'd say at least 9 inches. just the vibe i get from him
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shen the bird Retweeted
the riddler: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it? batman: i am going to beat the shit out of you and put you in jail
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i downloaded their app once to bring breakfast to a meeting and now every once in a while mcdonalds sends me a notification that says "mcdonalds"pic.twitter.com/bhQpJN7ZcM
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shen the bird Retweeted
me: i saw a rat chuck e. cheese employee: are u serious where me: [terrified] it’s really fucking big man
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me: why does my back hurt a little webmd: fuck dude what? your back?? me: yeah why webmd: fuck man oh my god
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boss: we just had another employee complain about your weird sayings. my office, now me: you know it really pisses my pants when you talk to me like that
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shen the bird Retweeted
cop: are u high me: are u real
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everybody get to your shelters, there's a new episode todaypic.twitter.com/J8rLZp2CPh
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