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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    15. srp 2018.

    me: wow is that a mocking bird mocking bird: "WoW iS tHaT a MoCkInG bIrD" fuck you

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  2. 1. velj

    welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

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  3. 30. sij

    doctor: your husband has a disease that only lets him talk like mario my wife: [sobbing] oh my god doctor: i'm so sorry me: [muffled from the other room] ᵒᵏᶦ ᵈᵒᵏᶦ

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  4. 25. sij

    best buy cashier: [having sex] talk dirty to me her: i dont give a fuck about your rewards program best buy cashier: [immediately stops] i'm going for a drive

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    24. sij

    Me: *pulls into gas station* just a quick stop for gas! GPS: wwhat the fukc is happening

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  6. 23. sij

    and that's how you play the game

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  7. 23. sij

    son: what's subliminal messaging dad: i dont know son i'm too busy sending $1 to shen the bird son: you what dad: his venmo is shen-the-bird son: mom's not coming back is she

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  8. 22. sij

    the mob finding me passing out you're any white wearing a wire ford suv 🤝 "are you a fuckin cop"

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  9. 20. sij

    me: you ever walk into a room and forget what you were doing woman: but how did my husband's surgery go? is he okay? me: [noticing i'm wearing medical scrubs] oh god oh fuck

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. tra 2016.

    co-pilot: "ask in a way that won't panic everyone" pilot: "ok" [via intercom] "is there a fireman on the plane?"

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    should probably close some tabs

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  12. 19. sij

    me: i had the dream again my parents: honey kermit wazowski isn't real he cant hurt you my window:

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    19. sij

    there’s a lime green kia soul in all of us. unleash it

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. tra 2019.

    [forgetting the phrase "your honor"] not guilty, hammer daddy

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  15. 17. sij
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  16. 16. sij

    genie: you could end world hunger or all wars- me: no i'm sure this is my wish [elsewhere] mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    11. kol 2019.

    me: [tied to a chair] i'll never talk terrorist: we're gonna make you step in wet me: what terrorist: with sock me: no

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. kol 2019.

    me: hey what's your ring size her: omg why me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

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  19. 15. sij

    her: i want you to blow my mind in bed tonight me: ok [later] me: the guy who sings the grinch song is also the voice of tony the tiger her: no fucking way

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  20. 13. sij

    [asking to cuddle] can we 99

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  21. 10. sij

    me: if santa is all knowing, then he could solve every crime but he just doesn't hostage: can i go to the bathroom me: no

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