Moms the word

@ShellyLynne1

I retweet a lot but only when I find it absolutely hilarious 😂. Sorry not sorry.

Joined December 2011

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  1. Retweeted
    20 hours ago

    Could you imagine if kids had mute buttons? - me daydreaming instead of parenting

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  2. Retweeted

    The week after Christmas kind of feels like if you put sweatpants on a ham.

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  3. Retweeted
    18 Dec 2018

    Cons of having a dog: smudged windows, muddy paw prints, dog hair everywhere. Pros of having a dog: are you kidding me?! You have a dog!! Even the cons are pros! Dogs are EVERYTHING!

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  4. Retweeted
    18 Dec 2018

    Can I fast forward through the shopping, wrapping, and planning and get straight to the part where I do nothing but eat and drink in my pajamas for 48 hours?

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  5. Retweeted
    29 Oct 2018

    I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

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  6. Retweeted
    14 Dec 2018

    I'd love to be a Pinterest mom, but it turns out I'm more of a Amazon Prime mom.

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  7. Retweeted
    16 Dec 2018

    I need an adult advent calendar where behind every door is a different kind of anti-depressant.

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  8. Retweeted
    10 Dec 2018

    Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men. Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I'm going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

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  9. Retweeted
    8 Dec 2018

    Never trust an unstained recipe.

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  10. Retweeted
    19 Sep 2018

    LIFE HACK: Get a jump start on tomorrow’s steps by making your cat wear your Fitbit at night as a collar.

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  11. Retweeted
    7 Dec 2018

    She died doing what she loved — bringing 157 grocery bags into the house from the car in one trip.

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  12. Retweeted

    You know what isn't non-stick about non-stick pans? The stickers they put on the glass lids. B*stards.

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  13. Retweeted

    Welcome to parenthood. I just momentarily considered Febrezing my kid.

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  14. Retweeted
    29 Nov 2018

    idea: Grease, except it’s renamed “Geese!” with an all goose cast. they sing classic grease toons except they’re also geese

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  15. Retweeted
    7 Nov 2018

    friend wrote a Facebook tribute for her son’s 2nd birthday where she called him “an explorer” and I’m like calm down Trisha all toddlers love sticking their hands in toilets, Greyson is no exception

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  16. Retweeted
    24 Nov 2018

    The only real apology is corrected behavior.

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  17. Retweeted
    24 Nov 2018

    Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.

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  18. Retweeted
    21 Nov 2018

    How coffee is like magic: A) it makes you less of a bitch. B) you covet your coffee cup like a newborn baby, with love and tenderness, slowly slurping each delicious sip as it turns your breath into a dry turd.

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  19. 20 Nov 2018

    My boy is home from college and it’s time for me to binge watch Family Feud.

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  20. 16 Nov 2018

    I’m sitting outside Walgreens, waiting for my hubby. He’s getting me a nasty drink because I have constipation. How’s your Friday night?

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