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Moms the word Retweeted
Could you imagine if kids had mute buttons? - me daydreaming instead of parenting
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Moms the word Retweeted
The week after Christmas kind of feels like if you put sweatpants on a ham.
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Moms the word Retweeted
Cons of having a dog: smudged windows, muddy paw prints, dog hair everywhere. Pros of having a dog: are you kidding me?! You have a dog!! Even the cons are pros! Dogs are EVERYTHING!
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Moms the word Retweeted
Can I fast forward through the shopping, wrapping, and planning and get straight to the part where I do nothing but eat and drink in my pajamas for 48 hours?
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Moms the word Retweeted
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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Moms the word Retweeted
I'd love to be a Pinterest mom, but it turns out I'm more of a Amazon Prime mom.
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Moms the word Retweeted
I need an adult advent calendar where behind every door is a different kind of anti-depressant.
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Moms the word Retweeted
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men. Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I'm going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
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Moms the word Retweeted
Never trust an unstained recipe.
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Moms the word Retweeted
LIFE HACK: Get a jump start on tomorrow’s steps by making your cat wear your Fitbit at night as a collar.
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Moms the word Retweeted
She died doing what she loved — bringing 157 grocery bags into the house from the car in one trip.
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Moms the word Retweeted
You know what isn't non-stick about non-stick pans? The stickers they put on the glass lids. B*stards.
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Moms the word Retweeted
Welcome to parenthood. I just momentarily considered Febrezing my kid.
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Moms the word Retweeted
idea: Grease, except it’s renamed “Geese!” with an all goose cast. they sing classic grease toons except they’re also geese
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Moms the word Retweeted
friend wrote a Facebook tribute for her son’s 2nd birthday where she called him “an explorer” and I’m like calm down Trisha all toddlers love sticking their hands in toilets, Greyson is no exception
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Moms the word Retweeted
The only real apology is corrected behavior.
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Moms the word Retweeted
Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.
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Moms the word Retweeted
How coffee is like magic: A) it makes you less of a bitch. B) you covet your coffee cup like a newborn baby, with love and tenderness, slowly slurping each delicious sip as it turns your breath into a dry turd.
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My boy is home from college and it’s time for me to binge watch Family Feud.
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I’m sitting outside Walgreens, waiting for my hubby. He’s getting me a nasty drink because I have constipation. How’s your Friday night?
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