Shaarvari Kiran

@ShaarvariK

I have the self respect of a lizard

Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2020.

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    Odgovor korisnicima

    You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t drink.

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    We take our 40% off sale seriously at

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    zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

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    me: "we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory" jesus: "they better not be of me dying on a cross" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?"

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    29. lis 2018.

    [poker game] MAN: call WOMAN: call MILLENNIAL: *visibly sweating* t-text

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    18. lip 2018.

    my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle? me whispering to my lawyer: do something

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    cop: put your hands in the air me: lol cop: don't laugh me: ^ that's me with my hands in the air ^ cop: oh ok me: so can you really arrest people by txt message?

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    judy garland: “if happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow.. why, oh why can't i” me: “they are birds next question”

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    1. lip 2018.

    fiance: "just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he'll agree to marry us" me: "okay" [at church] priest: "it's nice to meet you both" me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] "jesus what happened to this guy?"

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    DMs are open if you want to be ignored by another person

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    [mid to late 13th century] me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"

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    roman soldier: "jesus has been crucified as instructed" emperor: "he is dead?" roman soldier: "yes my liege" [3 days later] emperor: "dave, can i have a word?"

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    13. pro 2018.

    Date: What do you do? Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

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    stranger things: season 9

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    22. srp 2019.

    intern at work quitting: oh and brent orders coffee but makes me get him hot chocolate instead me: no one believes your lies evan

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    chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don't take over the world?

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    THE SUN: I am 100 million billion pounds of burning hydrogen, helium, carbon, neon, and iron. PLANTS: Yum yum I’ll have that and a water.

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    18. lis 2019.

    Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

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    24. sij

    abusive exes b like “i gave u the world” bitch u gave me ptsd

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