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9) So, yeah, maybe it's just a mistake. Some people drink too much; some gamble. I play League. And maybe that's just the answer. Maybe not, though. That's not my lived experience, anymore. So here goes a justification for dicking around.

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10) As

noticed when we last spoke, I spent much of the conversation spinning a commemorative coin while talking. nymag.com/intelligencer/ I keep a deck of cards to shuffle; on the move, I'll spin my brass rat (MIT class ring). nymag.com/intelligencer/

11) And, sure, there's something here about having spare RAM. But just because I *can* shuffle a deck of cards while talking doesn't mean I *should*. So why do I? And when I'm really, truly exhausted, why do I sometimes instinctively open up League?

12) Sometimes I'm physically tired, and I sleep. But sometimes my exhaustion is mental. My mind will be spinning, my RAM full of everything important to me. Because I don't have much disk space, and don't trust it much. I live my life in my RAM.

13) Even if I wanted to empty it out, I couldn't. For better or for worse, those thoughts valuable enough for my active memory don't leave it. For most people, short-term memory is reserved for things you'll soon forget.

'Still Alive' from at the end of Portal during the credits.'Still Alive' by Jonathan Coulton: http://www.jonathancoulton.comand sung by Ellen McLain (GLaDOS,...

14) But I stuff my mind full of things to remember and do and think about, and those thoughts linger for a while. Sometimes forever. Because once they transition from RAM to hard drive, they're mostly gone. Worlds alive only as long as I remember them.

youtube.com

Portal - 'Still Alive'

15) So, anyway, sometimes my mind is too full, or full of things demanding and exhausting. I want it to calm down. I'll try to lie on the beanbag, but it doesn't help. My mind is still spinning. Clinging to its looping thoughts. I lie awake, an insomniac once more.

16) I'll get up, and go to Netflix, to try to distract myself. And it seems like a great start! But thoughts contain multitudes, and so does modern TV. There will be overlap--enough overlap--that my mind retains a foothold, grabbing at things it recognizes in the plot.

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I want to think about this whole thread more, as a lot of it resonates with me, but one quick thought on this post in particular - have you watched Bojack Horseman yet?