Conversation

1) On the Fields of Justice I find peace

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2) Mostly I sleep on a beanbag, but I go back to my apartment now and then. I jog back (some exercise is better than none!), and it gives me time alone with my thoughts and music. youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3C Today's thoughts: Why do I play so much League of Legends?

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3) According to this simpleton's understanding, there are two types of memory in computers: RAM and hard drives. RAM is fast to access, expensive, and small. Hard drives are slow, cheap, and vast. The computer I'm using right now has 64GB of RAM and 500GB of disk space.

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4) Also, RAM empties out every time you restart your computer; your hard drive persists, and is what saves state. Anyway, I've found this to be a useful way to think about how *I* remember things. And, in general, I think I have tons of RAM, and a relatively small hard drive.

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5) I'm pretty good at thinking quickly, absorbing and incorporating information on the spot, and multitasking. But I don't know nearly as much as my peers. I always sucked at quiz bowl and trivia nights. If you ask me how old I am, well... 2021-1992, not my birthday yet..

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6) (Guess that my age didn't quite hit the bar.) Some of this manifests in straightforward ways. Each Sunday, I go to nfl.com and pull up my 3 favorite games for each time slot, watching them in the background while I work.

Antonio Brown’s one wish for Christmas!

Antonio the goat

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7) I'm (in)famous for playing League of Legends while on phone calls. I'll also try to avoid restarting my RAM if possible. One side advantage of the bean bags: if I sleep in the office, my mind stays in work mode, and I don't have to reload everything the next day.

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8) On League of Legends: I play a lot more than you'd expect from someone who routinely trades off sleep vs work. Why? Well, there's one answer, which is the obvious one. The single most universal thing about LoL is that everyone who plays it says they wish they didn't.

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9) So, yeah, maybe it's just a mistake. Some people drink too much; some gamble. I play League. And maybe that's just the answer. Maybe not, though. That's not my lived experience, anymore. So here goes a justification for dicking around.

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10) As

noticed when we last spoke, I spent much of the conversation spinning a commemorative coin while talking. nymag.com/intelligencer/ I keep a deck of cards to shuffle; on the move, I'll spin my brass rat (MIT class ring). nymag.com/intelligencer/

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11) And, sure, there's something here about having spare RAM. But just because I *can* shuffle a deck of cards while talking doesn't mean I *should*. So why do I? And when I'm really, truly exhausted, why do I sometimes instinctively open up League?

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12) Sometimes I'm physically tired, and I sleep. But sometimes my exhaustion is mental. My mind will be spinning, my RAM full of everything important to me. Because I don't have much disk space, and don't trust it much. I live my life in my RAM.

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13) Even if I wanted to empty it out, I couldn't. For better or for worse, those thoughts valuable enough for my active memory don't leave it. For most people, short-term memory is reserved for things you'll soon forget.

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14) But I stuff my mind full of things to remember and do and think about, and those thoughts linger for a while. Sometimes forever. Because once they transition from RAM to hard drive, they're mostly gone. Worlds alive only as long as I remember them.

Portal - 'Still Alive'

'Still Alive' from at the end of Portal during the credits.'Still Alive' by Jonathan Coulton: http://www.jonathancoulton.comand sung by Ellen McLain (GLaDOS,...

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15) So, anyway, sometimes my mind is too full, or full of things demanding and exhausting. I want it to calm down. I'll try to lie on the beanbag, but it doesn't help. My mind is still spinning. Clinging to its looping thoughts. I lie awake, an insomniac once more.

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16) I'll get up, and go to Netflix, to try to distract myself. And it seems like a great start! But thoughts contain multitudes, and so does modern TV. There will be overlap--enough overlap--that my mind retains a foothold, grabbing at things it recognizes in the plot.

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17) And so my mind will keep spinning its wheels, exhausted or not. I'll close Netflix, and pull up some sports; but unless there are multiple games I care about on at that time, it's not compelling enough to distract me. Netflix was too compelling; sports, too boring.

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18) And so I'll open up League of Legends. And, without thinking, I'll enter a game, and draft, and start. (A side note on this: I know I've said it's name enough to imply I'm good at it, but I'm really not. It's actually embarrassing how little I've grown at it.)

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19) I should clarify, too, that I don't exactly find league fun, or learn much from it, or really get anything out of it, exactly. That's not the point. The point is that the game loads, and I spawn, and buy items, and walk to lane. And then my mind takes over.

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20) Some of my baser instincts--competition, mainly--will come out. And I'll dance around the minions, and last hit, and dodge, and poke, and last hit again, and ward, and heal, and fuck up and get my support killed because, again, I'm not very good at this game.

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21) But my mind is engaged, and concentrating, and focusing on gold and items and minions and health bars and skill shots and oh fuck I'm out of mana again, why did I tumble so much. And as my mind slowly melds into Vayne's, the fights fill up my RAM.

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22) There's no room left to think about anything else. And so my mind shifts to a new, very different loop of thoughts, obsessing over last hits instead of responsibilities.

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23) And the old thought loop--the exhausting one--is forced out of my active consciousness, left to spin alone. Biding time. It'll be back. In a few minutes super minions will overrun our nexus and my mind will discard its League thoughts, welcoming back the old ones.

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24) But I've bought myself peace of mind for 30 minutes, and given myself time to do what generally happens during sleep: time to give my mind some rest, and respite. Time to process my thoughts, and consolidate them, and make peace with them. At least for a bit.

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25) And then, it's back to work.

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