At first it was simple stuff "you don't love my like you did when we first got together" or "you just don't see it." That's just relationships though, right? It moved to degrading. To control. To cheating. In order to live a normal life, I had to give up piece by piece.
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First it was freedom I was constantly berated for trying to make plans with friends. She refused to like any of my friends that I had before we were together. She refused to let me make new friends. I was only allowed to talk to the people she knew and interacted with first.
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*That will matter a lot, but later Next was choice. I didn't get to choose when we went out, or what I could buy, or when I could schedule something for work/self. Sports? Not a chance, even though I'd played a ton before. She was supportive at first, but then magically "nope"
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After work social? Never. Work event? Only if she was there. My charity work? Was told that I had to do stuff at home first. Leads to the next turning point; responsibility. It went from 50/50 to 90/10, and I had to bow down and beg for the 10.
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It wasn't all overnight. That transition took ~8 months. When something needed to be done, it was (almost) always asked of me. At first that's just me trying to be sweet. That evolved to taking on more than I could. I let it 'validate' when missing friends or sports anymore.
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That validation became reality. That was my new life. But I had my kids and I smiled a lot so the added responsibility, loss of other things I'd enjoyed 'while single', and the cost of it all was just a part of parenting, right? That's what I told myself at least.
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Abusers need to both control your world, and prevent you from escaping that control. This is why 'money' is such a heavy issue. I had a great job, great savings, and benefits from the VA. Fun, simple life The next step is something I'm still struggling with. I was 'made' broke.
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It wasn't as if the money was 'taken'. No. There's no theft involved. It's a steady build with the responsibility. To meet the growing needs, I had to extend myself where I never would have before. I had to pay extra to cover up her mistakes, ones I warned her about in advance.
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"Setup autopay" "If you would like us to do that in two months, we should book stuff now" "Could we eat in tonight instead? The kids don't mind a simple dinner. I can cook. You've stated you don't want to and that's okay w/me." This sounds simple, but when reality is warped.....
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I would offer to cook (and yes, I'm not too shabby). That offer, even though kind and sincere, was met with a curse. "Fine! I don't give a shit! You figure it out then!!" and a door slammed shut to the bedroom. ... in front of the kids. No smile of mine took those words away...
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*Example - One night after 'that' exchange, the kids and I cooked hotdogs over the fireplace. We were just in the living room, but they turned off the lights and the boys (3 & 6 then) took turns telling ghost stories. They were just as you'd expect from 3/6, but I loved it.
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(*okay, the tears have hit now but I'm going to keep going and get it all out in one swoop) We turned on the lights and went to the table. I asked my oldest to tell her mother we were sitting down for dinner (still in the bedroom on her phone).
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"You cooked them hotdogs?! What kind of a shitty father are you?!! Just because you don't like vegetables doesn't mean that you get to cook the kids shit and unhealthy food!!" Fact: She put the hotdogs on the shopping list. (I wasn't allowed to choose food items by then)
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This is when the alternate narrative kicks into full throttle. Those moments are told only by referencing that one moment, that single point where she decided it was my fault. Soon everything is your fault. It's not hyperbole to say that anything that happened was my 'fault'.
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She was late to work? My fault for listening to her scream at me to leave her alone when her alarm went off. She had to get up when her alarm went off? My fault for not waking her up before the buzzing started. She was groggy? My fault for not getting the kids to bed earlier.
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It's the pattern of blame. By blaming me for everything that was wrong, it set in a need to be responsible for everything. By trying to 'own' all the tasks, it made every accusation more real, more valid. That's a spiral you can't escape without help.
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So one night, when I was coerced into driving to Vegas ~11 hours after she became drunk, I broke. An hour down the road I had a panic attack. I was belittled and told I could never make her happy because I didn't "get" her, and watched her storm off down a street by the highway
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I almost didn't go after her. But I loved her? how could I not? I have repressed what happened over the next hour. I have small glimpses. It ended with my monitor + two fingers broken, and a cracked rib. I saved the other monitor though... with my hand broken instead.
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I called the DV hotline the following morning. I went out at 7am to be alone for the call. I was still getting the "where are you?" and "Why didn't you check with me before leaving?" messages. The kids woke up and I wasn't there to shield her from them until 10am. I got help.
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For the next 16 months, I saw a therapist at a women's DV shelter. I felt ashamed, but it really was beneficial. The abuse didn't stop though. I had resorted to lying about simple things just to keep myself sane. For that previous call? "I ran out to get donuts for the family"
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Dealing with "why did it take so long to get donuts?" was easier than "why did you call a helpline?" I lied about 'why' I was going to therapy. I exaggerated the necessity of me staying late at work. I 'go to the bathroom' to cry and find a small peace so my kids wouldn't see
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This was all used to justify the last pain. She started cheating. Not physically or anything at first. Ballroom dancing lessons together where she'd be gone half the evening for 3-4 days a week. "I need MY release from kids and work" Remember how I couldn't play rugby?
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Then it evolved into "well he says <insert thing I didn't say> and I don't even have to bring it up" Fact: I did say it. I love you, You're beautiful, etc, in a myriad of ways. Didn't matter. In the moment there is nothing else but 'that moment'.
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Each time I was to blame, an added weight of "well I'll just go to someone that would do it" was said to me. Eventually it escalated, and that was my fault too. "How could you let me go into the arms of someone else? You didn't love me enough to stop me"
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Depression set in. I came clean with her why I was going to therapy. Even my personal therapy was invaded because "I don't wish to talk about it" was unnacceptable. I just wanted peace and my kid's smiles.
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This portion is called DARVO. Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender "How are you abused? Fuck you. You abuse me, you know that right? You doing this is just a way to excuse your own abuse." Allthewhile I was controlled with "I'll take your kids"
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I asked for help from friends. That story was already told... "She's too nice for that" "It's your fault for staying to work late. She complained at the last get together." "She said her friend found you on Match. How could you accuse her of that?"
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I broke. She got the opportunity to move to Alabama and took it. We decided to let the kids choose. "If Maggie chooses to stay with you, I'm not signing the adoption papers." "Why? We've all agreed for months?" "Cause I don't want you to have a say if she chooses you."
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After they left, I felt both empowered and happy. My kids had left, but I walked with my head high So I was cut off, little by little. She was always 'busy'. The kids had to have their phones off all the time. Homework, dance, weekend plans... never time to talk. Always control
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I'll spare a story for later, but I self-destructed. And I almost paid the ultimate penalty for it. This is where
#infosec saved me. Through all this, my one outlet was twitter. Random, stupid, shitposts, tech, politics... nothing was hurtful or demeaningPrikaži ovu nit - Još 4 druga odgovora
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Čini se da učitavanje traje već neko vrijeme.
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