Ok, so I’ve started to read the bible. One of the oldest stories ever written, people kill each other over it, so I thought it’d give it a bash to see what all the fuss is about. Welcome to, KIMBERS BIBLE BASH.
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Angels aren’t mentioned at all until all the Sodom & Gomorrah shit goes down. They rock up, let Abraham’s nephew (I think?), ‘Lot’, leave for some reason, even though 15 minutes earlier he’d offered up his virgin daughters to a mob to chill them out a bit.
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Then they blind a bunch of fellas & fuck up the whole city. Jokes on the angels though, because after Lot escaped, his daughters got him drunk, banged him & had a couple of lovely incestuous sons.
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No mention of angels having wings or anything cool btw. Which is disappointing. They kinda sound like bailiffs. Anyway, meanwhile, Abraham’s been running about telling every rich chump they meet that his wife is his sister.
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It’s a sick hustle, A-Ham stylee: 1) Passes his wife off as his sister. 2) Chump tries to marry her. 3) God jumps in all like ‘THATS A SIN, SHES MARRIED’. 4) Chump apologises by giving A-Ham a bunch of gold & goats or some shit. CHA-CHING!pic.twitter.com/xTPL96etxb
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& When he gets called out on it, he’s like, and I quote: “She is indeed my sister, the daughter of my father but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife” Everyones confused as fuck so no one realises that he’s married to his half sister.
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Abraham & his sister / wife end up having a baby (Isaac). They’re both old as fuck, so that’s awesome. They awkwardly bump into his sister / wife’s old slave, the one he knocked up....who it turns out...had a son (Ishmael).pic.twitter.com/XXa3vifx3Y
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Not sure if A-Han knew about the kid, but his sister / wife is pissssssed & tells him to send ‘em packing. He does, of course, because he’s an ass. They get banished & Ishmael grows up in the jungle or something. His slave mum managed to blag him a wife from Egypt though. Nice.pic.twitter.com/pLjCW3rnTJ
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That’s probably a good time to wrap up episode one of KIMBERS BIBLE BASH. Catch you next time, where we’ll discuss a place/person or item called a Babel.pic.twitter.com/WXNxWuxyHd
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