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  1. Retweeted
    May 25

    My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream...

  2. Retweeted
    May 20

    when i say something important in my group chat and everyone ignores me

  3. Retweeted
    May 15

    I can't watch master chef junior because the whole time I just want to bully the weird kids

  4. Retweeted
    7 Aug 2014

    well son, I put my Read Ayn Rand bumper sticker on the front bumper so the poors will see it as I run right over them

  5. Retweeted
    May 11
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  6. Retweeted
    6 Feb 2016

    i changed jackie chan's wiki page to first person

  7. Retweeted
    Apr 22

    me: wanna see pics of my dog? person: no me: great! this is him playing. this is him sleeping. this is him being the CUTEST DOG EVER.

  8. Retweeted
    May 7

    [The Shining The Musical] Ghost bartender: Rum & Coke? Whiskey sour? A drink will help you feel less dour Jack: My son has a special power!

  9. Retweeted
    Apr 29

    Sure, you're goth, but are you dejectedly riding the subway with your raven goth?

  10. Retweeted
    Apr 26

    rt if you'd call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

  11. Retweeted
    Apr 26

    "Here are your results, now put on my doctor clothes and read them back to me"

  12. Retweeted
    Apr 26

    Wow I didn't think these things actually worked

  13. Retweeted
    Apr 14

    Me: Hi Artsy White boy:

  14. Retweeted
    Apr 18

    YOU: Do you wanna go to the deli? ME: [staring blankly for 38 seconds] Ohhhhh you mean the delicatessen.

  15. Retweeted
    Apr 17
    This Tweet is unavailable.
  16. Apr 19
    Replying to

    used the wrong hashtag originally

  17. Apr 19
  18. Retweeted
    Apr 16

    Don't: draw bad Do: draw good

  19. Retweeted
    Mar 30

    [god creating hedgehogs] "what if circles could stab you"

  20. Retweeted
    Mar 18

    This is amazing. A twitter play in 4 acts — with a breathtaking finale.

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