I have finally defeated the healthcare system (getting my insurance to actually pay me)
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Randall Otis
@RandallOtisTV
just messing around. writer at the daily show. rich parents
New York, NYJoined June 2015
Randall Otis’s Tweets
RIP Lance Reddick. One of my favourite actors and the only person to ever scare Eric Andre. Always gave the performance of his life in anything he was in from John Wick to The Wire to Fringe. He will be dearly missed
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No matter how good someone is at singing I will always be uncomfortable if they do it acapella in front of me
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it's funny to me how large social movements seems really small on the personal level. like my grandpa was part of the Great Migration but the way he explained it is "some nigga in L.A said he had a job for me"
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It’s wild doctors give you a due date for pregnancy cause that’s such a painful experience. No male equivalent. Doc’s never like,
“In 9 months, you’re gonna get your ass beat. Congratulations”
“Omg, by who?”
“By the thing you love most in this world”
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Football is kind of like the 2nd amendment. I don't think the creators realized how hard this shit would hit in the future
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I get Mac from its always sunny as I age. Like I’m getting into the best shape of my life now that I’m older but it’s just a bit.
Not for anyone just like hahaha, why is there any reason to look like this
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Update, Lebron has not responded. Most likely because it is a fan account. I do not have the heart to tell her this.
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Mom just found out you can send DMs to anyone and now is trying to talk to Lebron
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Mom just found out you can send DMs to anyone and now is trying to talk to Lebron
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I feel like if you sat next to the air marshall on a Spirit flight and asked to play with his gun he’d say sure
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Just found out Tory lanez shot meg thee stallion. I assumed he was going to jail for those albums
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I’m not a doctor but just from the noises I hear in public bathrooms this country is in a serious health crisis
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Women will cry when you break up with them as if you didn’t just unshackle them from the worst decision they ever made
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Black sommelier looking at every bottle before 1992 like “ah, terrible year”
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You start doing things you never thought you’d do when you breakup. Loneliness will change you. I’m ordering food and under ‘special instructions’ I’m like “kiss me on the forehead”
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Having a therapist makes tragedy fun. Something horrible will happen to me and I’m like aight, let’s see what Debra’s really got
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Kanye shifted the Overton window on fucking up in Hollywood. Soon as he dropped his nazi shit I start seeing will smith on billboards again
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I feel like when I die and my life flashes before my eyes that the last thing I hear will be the Tom Joyner Morning Show theme song
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Kanye's gone full nazi, Elon Musk is losing billions, the crypto market's collapsed. Very rough month for the most annoying people in your life
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Every Right Wing Show Host: We are going to have Kanye West on television to set the record straight about why this genius has been misunderstood
Kanye West: I love Hitler
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Kanye's doing prop comedy on infowars. ain't no way i'm releasing my spotify wrapped
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Spotify Wrapped is the best way to find out which songs you accidentally had on repeat when you fell asleep
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I love the World Cup. The global event that asks the question, “which country has the most athletic black people”
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Parents are like “why don’t you meet a nice girl at work?” These people are trying to get me fired
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Thanksgiving is great cause you gotta just smile eating that turkey as if you didn’t hear the darkest family secret five minutes ago
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Worst part of Republicans winning is that there's no storming the capitol this year. I was trying to get some free holiday gifts from there
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Herschel Walker talks like he’s about to tell you all the different types of ways you can prepare shrimp
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This must be that violin from the thong song
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If a waiter came by to my table like “yo, the other table didn’t finish this, you want it?” I would gladly accept 80% of the time
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Seeing my girlfriend has sent me 27 tik toks by the time I wake up
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My wife and I spotted you from across the bar and we’re digging your vibe
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The unrealistic thing about Prey is that the predator never gets pissed at its technology, rages out and has to call alien customer service
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Were there not enough white women in Saudi Arabia?
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Greg Norman told Tucker Carlson that LIV Golf offered Tiger Woods more than $700 million to join the Saudi-funded league
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