i think the "schrodinger's rapist" meme actually fucked me up subtly but really badly. somewhere along the way i internalized that literally every woman started their interactions with me by assuming that i was literally the worst possible kind of man
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there's a specific pattern to when i feel like i'm capable of starting a conversation with a woman i don't know and it boils down to "do i have reason to believe that she has reason to believe that i am not literally a rapist"; without that i am overwhelmingly terrified
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if we have even a single mutual friend or are attending the same event together i have no problems because that's enough to overcome that one hurdle. vibecamp was particularly nice here because everyone just knew me from twitter already which was *extremely* relaxing
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otherwise i feel like i have to... somehow overcome this burden of having been assumed to be a rapist, while not *talking* about that and pretending that she ought to believe that i am just a normal person? just absolute insanity why the fuck did i decide to do this
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okay yeah this is making some things click into place. the whole concept of men cold approaching women has always confused me *so much* on a visceral level and i think it's because of this specific thing. fucking hell
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there's a whole thing i'd like to write about in more detail at some point about the way i feel like feminism became my de facto religion growing up. the central myth was The Rape, the most holy figure was The Rape Victim, and the most sinful figure was The Rapist
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really not a pleasant combo to first be told “hey so rape is the worst thing ever” and then “also all women everywhere assume you do it until you somehow prove to them that you don’t” 🙃🙃🙃
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Replying to @jessicamalonso and @QiaochuYuan
When someone's in their head, spinning about how women are and what women think and how I might end up thinking or feeling about them, they don't really seem like they're actually there with me, and can't be aware of how I'm really feeling - including what I do and don't want.
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some of you are doing a really good job of making me regret talking about this in public
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I’m a dude and I’m glad you did because I’ve definitely felt like you did, along with "how can I make someone feel safe?"
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I get what you're saying. I definitely feel an obligation to put women at ease and in some ways I think women are more closed off than they used to be due to either their own experiences or horror stories they've heard on the internet. But I also think you're overthinking it.
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I'm sure you're self aware enough to read body language and tell if you're making somebody uncomfortable. If so, politely excuse yourself. If not, continue interacting and reevaluate as needed.
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I think there's truth in the sentiment that focusing on your flaws only makes them worse, even if you were doing it from a good, introspective place.
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fwiw this whole conversation is sort of dancing around the deepest sources of pain for most people, and being able to see and process some of that is probably a net positive.
The downside is this conversation is probably mostly somatic, where written text notoriously struggles
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Well if you can afford (your social image, your calm, etc) to talk about it, please do, so that the rest of us can just read and think for a moment, instead of go through the trouble of talking ourselves.
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sorry to hear this :( def been reading ur name around, not having made the connection it was ab thi
if it makes it better, i found the thread insightful. maybe not worth the backlash but yk what some ppl say about "if it helps even just one person..."
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I appreciate that you're here spilling your guts like this, processing out-loud some of these things that are so often kept secret. Maybe it makes you an easy target for others to drag, but I think that says more about them than you..🤷