okay yeah this is making some things click into place. the whole concept of men cold approaching women has always confused me *so much* on a visceral level and i think it's because of this specific thing. fucking hell
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there's a whole thing i'd like to write about in more detail at some point about the way i feel like feminism became my de facto religion growing up. the central myth was The Rape, the most holy figure was The Rape Victim, and the most sinful figure was The Rapist
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really not a pleasant combo to first be told “hey so rape is the worst thing ever” and then “also all women everywhere assume you do it until you somehow prove to them that you don’t” 🙃🙃🙃
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ok so I am also gonna offer my "story" about what could be going on here, which can obvi be totally wrong but just what I'm kind of piecing together across new/old threads:
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it might be that you perceive a woman's "defenses" (boundaries) as accusations against your character-- to hear e.g. "I don't trust you" not as a statement describing her own emotional experience, but as a character accusation
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Replying to @lisatomic5
i can't speak for anyone else but for me insofar as "autist gf" has any appeal as a fantasy it's that i assume neurotypical women have a billion defenses up against men all the time and autist women will have less of those which will make it a lot easier for me to relax
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and maybe this is triggering for you, because you have a core need to be "loved perfectly and unconditionally"-- basically a need for "motherly love"
(I don't remember exactly what tweets this perception was based on, smth with your mom and/or what you needed from a gf)--
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though maybe you're mistaken about what that kind of love entails?
and can see any evidence of "perception of my character flaws" as evidence that someone "couldn't truly love you" --> "you'll never be loved" (whereas motherly love is love *given while fully aware of flaws*)
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this is exactly what I was referring to in this tweet-- not that you "don't want to harm women" but that you're upset by "being perceived as even possibly bad", or "not being perceived as purely, flawlessly good"
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I have a suspicion that a lot of men who are "worried about hurting women" (somehow, e.g. through sexual advances or w/e) are actually more worried about being seen as "the sort of guy who hurts women"
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NEEDING that validation from women-- and specifically how you'd react when she sets a healthy boundary and you suddenly feel like you might never get the sort of love you believe you need-- is what would make you "unsafe" anyway
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and then my expectation would be that the men who say this a lot will likely be very needy (for validation from women)
since they "fear being bad" in some way, they really *need* others to constantly reinforce the idea that they aren't bad--
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already here you describe women as "assuming you're a rapist" (maybe this is not a current/endorsed view?)-- but this seems like a bad faith view, given that they clearly have to make decisions given low information, high maximum risk, unclear benefits, uncertain probabilities
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Replying to
it’s not a current/endorsed view, i was describing a chunk of an old thing that i hadn’t been able to see clearly