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Hmmm... considering that we don't really have an option to exist in the world while completely avoiding men we don't yet trust, it isn't really so much as "is he or isn't he?" as "am I safe with this person? what do I need to do to be safe with this person?"

Rather than the issue being the risk that she will think you are bad, the real question is "can she be safe with me? will she be able to feel safe with me?" I think the struggle for many is that heady/thinky preoccupation is a form of disocciation that feels unsafe to be with.

When someone's in their head, spinning about how women are and what women think and how I might end up thinking or feeling about them, they don't really seem like they're actually there with me, and can't be aware of how I'm really feeling - including what I do and don't want.

And across the range of unpleasant interactions with men, from the mildly annoying to the truly horrible, there's a lot of being depersonalized, not truly interacted with, not attuned to -- my wants and needs for myself in that moment aren't part of the equation for him.

And that can happen when a guy's decided what he wants from you and is setting out to get it through whatever means he picked up wherever, but it also happens when you're interacted w/ as a though you're a caricature of whatever abstract notion of womandom he's got in his mind.

My sense is that getting close with men and feeling safe with them largely has to do with feeling them attune and adjust to me, accepting my influence on the interaction while staying grounded in themselves.

QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)

@QiaochuYuan

oh good i know how to do that 😅

IME, you seem to! But I remember talking about the “does she want to be talking to me?” question being critical, and part of accepting her influence would be trying to rest in the knowledge that, unless cornered or at work or otherwise limited, she can stop it if she wants

QC (in Berlin 7/29-???)

@QiaochuYuan

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