i think the "schrodinger's rapist" meme actually fucked me up subtly but really badly. somewhere along the way i internalized that literally every woman started their interactions with me by assuming that i was literally the worst possible kind of man
Conversation
Hmmm... considering that we don't really have an option to exist in the world while completely avoiding men we don't yet trust, it isn't really so much as "is he or isn't he?" as "am I safe with this person? what do I need to do to be safe with this person?"
2
1
55
Rather than the issue being the risk that she will think you are bad, the real question is "can she be safe with me? will she be able to feel safe with me?"
I think the struggle for many is that heady/thinky preoccupation is a form of disocciation that feels unsafe to be with.
2
56
When someone's in their head, spinning about how women are and what women think and how I might end up thinking or feeling about them, they don't really seem like they're actually there with me, and can't be aware of how I'm really feeling - including what I do and don't want.
2
3
85
And across the range of unpleasant interactions with men, from the mildly annoying to the truly horrible, there's a lot of being depersonalized, not truly interacted with, not attuned to -- my wants and needs for myself in that moment aren't part of the equation for him.
1
57
And that can happen when a guy's decided what he wants from you and is setting out to get it through whatever means he picked up wherever, but it also happens when you're interacted w/ as a though you're
a caricature of whatever abstract notion of womandom he's got in his mind.
1
62
My sense is that getting close with men and feeling safe with them largely has to do with feeling them attune and adjust to me, accepting my influence on the interaction while staying grounded in themselves.
2
4
51
And sometimes, a guy gives you the sense that he has at some point attuned to the grander difference in our experiences as it relates to safety, and he proactively moves to make me safer, and it's really lovely.
1
39
Note: The big difference there between a manipulative guy and a safe one being did he make me *actually* safer vs. try to reassure my thoughts/feelings of my safety.
2
1
35
Replying to
aw nice 🥲 can you give some concrete examples? think me and other readers would appreciate it!
Replying to
Hmm there’s a lot that’s physical and subtle… Like a good distance between us depends on our relative size and the environment we’re in. Ex: I don’t want to crane my neck up at them but I also don’t want to have to turn my head away and lean in close to have to hear them
1
8
The things to avoid are crowding, cornering, or separating her from a person/place/thing she doesn’t seem to want to be separated from.
The nice things give the feeling that they’re aware of the environment and what my internal experience is in that environment…
1
1
8
Show replies
Would more examples be helpful? I'm finding this thread really interesting because I've definitely felt this, "guy who I feel safe around rn because he's aware of my needs/wants/boundaries" is definitely a time I've noticed!
14
Maybe not super relevant but one time I was walking home alone v late at night and there was a man walking behind me at an even pace. I'm not sure if I was projecting anxiety (tho I felt a little) but unprompted he said "on ur left!" And sped up to walk in front of me
1
4
Then he slowed back down, but I had him in eyesight. Was really touched by that. Quite thoughtful
3