i think the "schrodinger's rapist" meme actually fucked me up subtly but really badly. somewhere along the way i internalized that literally every woman started their interactions with me by assuming that i was literally the worst possible kind of man
Conversation
there's a specific pattern to when i feel like i'm capable of starting a conversation with a woman i don't know and it boils down to "do i have reason to believe that she has reason to believe that i am not literally a rapist"; without that i am overwhelmingly terrified
1
74
if we have even a single mutual friend or are attending the same event together i have no problems because that's enough to overcome that one hurdle. vibecamp was particularly nice here because everyone just knew me from twitter already which was *extremely* relaxing
1
57
otherwise i feel like i have to... somehow overcome this burden of having been assumed to be a rapist, while not *talking* about that and pretending that she ought to believe that i am just a normal person? just absolute insanity why the fuck did i decide to do this
2
69
okay yeah this is making some things click into place. the whole concept of men cold approaching women has always confused me *so much* on a visceral level and i think it's because of this specific thing. fucking hell
5
79
there's a whole thing i'd like to write about in more detail at some point about the way i feel like feminism became my de facto religion growing up. the central myth was The Rape, the most holy figure was The Rape Victim, and the most sinful figure was The Rapist
5
3
68
really not a pleasant combo to first be told “hey so rape is the worst thing ever” and then “also all women everywhere assume you do it until you somehow prove to them that you don’t” 🙃🙃🙃
Replying to
Quote Tweet
Replying to @jessicamalonso and @QiaochuYuan
When someone's in their head, spinning about how women are and what women think and how I might end up thinking or feeling about them, they don't really seem like they're actually there with me, and can't be aware of how I'm really feeling - including what I do and don't want.
2
29
some of you are doing a really good job of making me regret talking about this in public
8
1
20
Replying to
🤍🤍🤍
When I knew you were heading to vc, then Lisbon my first instinct was, “excellent, I’m looking forward to giving them a hug hello.”
1
3
Replying to
(total speculation here) i wonder if maybe some of this fear is coming out of not accepting the version of yourself that is a rapist?
2
14
Replying to
ok so I am also gonna offer my "story" about what could be going on here, which can obvi be totally wrong but just what I'm kind of piecing together across new/old threads:
1
1
10
it might be that you perceive a woman's "defenses" (boundaries) as accusations against your character-- to hear e.g. "I don't trust you" not as a statement describing her own emotional experience, but as a character accusation
Quote Tweet
Replying to @lisatomic5
i can't speak for anyone else but for me insofar as "autist gf" has any appeal as a fantasy it's that i assume neurotypical women have a billion defenses up against men all the time and autist women will have less of those which will make it a lot easier for me to relax
2
19
Show replies