i think the "schrodinger's rapist" meme actually fucked me up subtly but really badly. somewhere along the way i internalized that literally every woman started their interactions with me by assuming that i was literally the worst possible kind of man
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there's a specific pattern to when i feel like i'm capable of starting a conversation with a woman i don't know and it boils down to "do i have reason to believe that she has reason to believe that i am not literally a rapist"; without that i am overwhelmingly terrified
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if we have even a single mutual friend or are attending the same event together i have no problems because that's enough to overcome that one hurdle. vibecamp was particularly nice here because everyone just knew me from twitter already which was *extremely* relaxing
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otherwise i feel like i have to... somehow overcome this burden of having been assumed to be a rapist, while not *talking* about that and pretending that she ought to believe that i am just a normal person? just absolute insanity why the fuck did i decide to do this
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okay yeah this is making some things click into place. the whole concept of men cold approaching women has always confused me *so much* on a visceral level and i think it's because of this specific thing. fucking hell
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there's a whole thing i'd like to write about in more detail at some point about the way i feel like feminism became my de facto religion growing up. the central myth was The Rape, the most holy figure was The Rape Victim, and the most sinful figure was The Rapist
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really not a pleasant combo to first be told “hey so rape is the worst thing ever” and then “also all women everywhere assume you do it until you somehow prove to them that you don’t” 🙃🙃🙃
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Replying to @jessicamalonso and @QiaochuYuan
When someone's in their head, spinning about how women are and what women think and how I might end up thinking or feeling about them, they don't really seem like they're actually there with me, and can't be aware of how I'm really feeling - including what I do and don't want.
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some of you are doing a really good job of making me regret talking about this in public
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men are scary to me but it has nothing to do with rape and probably more about the fact that IME they’re often harsh and insensitive (something something toxic masculinity)
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Hmmm... considering that we don't really have an option to exist in the world while completely avoiding men we don't yet trust, it isn't really so much as "is he or isn't he?" as "am I safe with this person? what do I need to do to be safe with this person?"
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Rather than the issue being the risk that she will think you are bad, the real question is "can she be safe with me? will she be able to feel safe with me?"
I think the struggle for many is that heady/thinky preoccupation is a form of disocciation that feels unsafe to be with.
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